There are so many Meredith moments I want to remember that I decided to write them down here. Today, I am remembering the day Meredith was born.
I finished my last day of work on Tuesday September 15th. I had plans with all my clients- homework assignments to do in my absence and reiterations to call/email if needed while I was on leave. I expected to go have Meredith on Friday thinking she would be born 2 days early (due date September 20th), just like Joel. Well, my pregnancy brain forgot that I actually went into labor with Joel 4 days early...but that's another story.
3:00am, Wednesday September 16th, I awoke with pains. I didn't even consider they were labor pains because I was planning to go into labor on Friday. I thought it was heartburn. I got up and went on the computer. When the pains continued, I considered it a possibility it was labor, and began cleaning because Merwyn's parents would be staying with Joel while I gave birth. I took a few Tums, and when nothing got better, I decided it must be labor. That may sound ignorant, but with both Joel and Meredith my contractions never followed a predictable or consistent pattern, even when we were headed to the hospital.
I had a regularly scheduled OB appt at 9:30am, so Merwyn and I headed off. Lisa confirmed that I was dilated to about a 3, and she hesitantly said that she thought it probably would be quicker this time. You'd understand if you knew Joel's birth story! We went home and Merwyn called his parents who live about 50 minutes away. We decided to wait until they arrived since they didn't have a key and they don't have experience with using a keypad to open a garage door.
We got to the hospital around 11:10-11:15am. Merwyn dropped me off while he parked the car. Seemed to take him forever to come back- probably 10 minutes. We went upstairs and were ushered into triage after a short wait. Throughout the morning, the pains were intense. It was never like this when I was in labor with Joel. Probably why he took so long to be born. The nurse in triage checked me and said I was at a 5. She asked if I wanted an epideral and, despite my desire to go natural, I said yes right away! Two minutes later, Meredith was coming!
The nurse began to rush around, other people came in, lots of energy! A woman came in...I call her the cheerleader. "Hi, my name is Shelly! What's your name?" Seriously?! Turns out, she is an OB and the 2 mom's she was working with weren't progressing. She saw all the action in the hallway and came rushing it. Good thing too. The doc on call was on another floor and didn't make it to triage until Meredith was already born. I call him the chatter. From the time I arrived in triage to the time Meredith was born they told me was 10 minutes. Yup. Lisa was right- this one was quicker! Lisa did finally arrive...right after they wheeled Meredith out.
Meredith had blue hands and feet when she was born. I didn't even see her before they wheeled her to the NICU. They assured me she was good though. It was about 3 hours later that I was able to see her. We walked into the NICU, were directed to her bed, and I looked upon a very familiar face...it was Joel's baby face. I expected her to look completely different because of her Down syndrome. Merwyn wasn't so sure, so I asked him to bring Joel's baby book to the hospital. He had to agree then. Then I asked the NICU nurse, Marie, what was going on and what they were doing for Meredith. It was time for Meredith's mommy to start taking care of her!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
marathon
One year ago today, I was at my office, like I am right now. My body was acting weird- to be honest, I had to pee... A LOT, and I couldn't figure out why. I stopped drinking water half way through the day to end the craziness but it didn't end. I began to wonder if I was pregnant but very cautiously because of so much disappointment.
The next day, Tuesday, I bought a test. I was waiting until closer to the time that Merwyn would be home to take it. That day, for the first time ever, Joel said he wished he had a sister. Never said anything remotely close to wanting a sibling before. Of course, I took the test and it was positive. Merwyn and I were surprised and cautiously hopeful. And, Joel continued to ask for a sister through the next 3 months while we were ready to tell him.
The exteme need to use the bathroom ended on that Monday. I decided it was God getting my attention- he wanted me to know. There are a few times in my life when I am certain that God has spoken directly to me. One of those times came on 9/8/08 during my prayer time. I wrote it in my journal, which I keep sporadically. We had finished a few weeks before our last IUI treatment to try and get pregnant. During my prayer time, lamenting the failure to get pregnant, I heard God say to me, "I want to do it myself". On this same day, one year earlier, I was excited to know that it came true- no medical intervention to this 40+ woman, it was undeniably God alone.
This remembering "this time last year" came after remembering "this time 3 months ago". I wonder when the 10th of any month will stop reminding me. 3 months ago yesterday, Meredith died. I am still in disbelief. Disbelief that she died, disbelief over the reason she died, disbelief that last year actually happened. The dream like experience continues, for I don't have the fruit of those months with me.
This is where the marathon of grieving begins, I suppose. The energy and excitement of those first days are over. Peoples lives have gone on, as expected. My world moves slowly. This is the picture in my head...3 escalators side by side. The 2 on the ends move quickly, many people on them. The center one is where I am...it moves much more slowly.
The marathon. 2 thought threads. One thread...last year at this time, hearing her heartbeat, telling our families, ultrasound/diagnosis, etc. Second thread...firsts without her. My first birthday, first mother's day, father's day, camping, etc.
Tomorrow I will be remembering my tempered excitement over a positive pregnancy test. And there will be more remembering and wishing. It's a marathon.
The next day, Tuesday, I bought a test. I was waiting until closer to the time that Merwyn would be home to take it. That day, for the first time ever, Joel said he wished he had a sister. Never said anything remotely close to wanting a sibling before. Of course, I took the test and it was positive. Merwyn and I were surprised and cautiously hopeful. And, Joel continued to ask for a sister through the next 3 months while we were ready to tell him.
The exteme need to use the bathroom ended on that Monday. I decided it was God getting my attention- he wanted me to know. There are a few times in my life when I am certain that God has spoken directly to me. One of those times came on 9/8/08 during my prayer time. I wrote it in my journal, which I keep sporadically. We had finished a few weeks before our last IUI treatment to try and get pregnant. During my prayer time, lamenting the failure to get pregnant, I heard God say to me, "I want to do it myself". On this same day, one year earlier, I was excited to know that it came true- no medical intervention to this 40+ woman, it was undeniably God alone.
This remembering "this time last year" came after remembering "this time 3 months ago". I wonder when the 10th of any month will stop reminding me. 3 months ago yesterday, Meredith died. I am still in disbelief. Disbelief that she died, disbelief over the reason she died, disbelief that last year actually happened. The dream like experience continues, for I don't have the fruit of those months with me.
This is where the marathon of grieving begins, I suppose. The energy and excitement of those first days are over. Peoples lives have gone on, as expected. My world moves slowly. This is the picture in my head...3 escalators side by side. The 2 on the ends move quickly, many people on them. The center one is where I am...it moves much more slowly.
The marathon. 2 thought threads. One thread...last year at this time, hearing her heartbeat, telling our families, ultrasound/diagnosis, etc. Second thread...firsts without her. My first birthday, first mother's day, father's day, camping, etc.
Tomorrow I will be remembering my tempered excitement over a positive pregnancy test. And there will be more remembering and wishing. It's a marathon.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years...
I am having a hard day today, for a few reasons, one of which is my reaction to New Years. I didn't realize until a friend shared how the new year affected her after her brother died. I, too, am having difficulty but for different reasons. January 1 is typically seen as a "new slate", "opportunity to start fresh", "new beginnings"- you get it. I don't want new...I want what I had. I want my sweet little girl. I know she is having a great time in heaven with Jesus. But I can't help myself. I want Meredith here. Now. To move into the new year with me.
Merwyn gave me the gift of time today. He and Joel went to a gathering without me. He agreed readily today knowing (because I had asked for it on another day) that I wanted some time alone. Time to mourn Meredith. Time without interruption and without concern for how my mourning might impact someone else. I went into Meredith's room and I picked up the pink teddy bear given to her after she zoomed out of my womb on 9/16. I opened her closet door and just cried. I could only look for a short moment. The clothes. The little girl clothes are the most difficult for me to see. Clothes she will never wear, or never wear again. In my minds eye, I can still see what I call the clown outfit hanging. Joel picked that one out at the store and Meredith wore it frequently because it kept her warm in the NICU without too many blankets (because she insisted on sleeping with her arms up by her head!).
I asked God why. Why even give to me this little girl if you were going to take her away. Meredith's entrance into our family completed our family- what I had stopped hoping for last year at this time. Hope fulfilled when we had all but stopped hoping. I don't have the answer to this question, but I do know that God is not upset that I ask it.
Last Sunday's sermon was about darkness...darkness of evil and ignorance, but also the darkness in one's heart when life just hurts. He said, "When you don't know what the 'next thing' to do is, while you wait, do the 'right thing.'" I remember the night Meredith died. We were sitting in her room with friends and family. I was holding Meredith and I was shocked and bewildered that she had died. I kept saying over and over, "I don't know what to do". I looked around at all the faces looking for an idea. Everyone just looked back at me. I still don't know. Except to do the right thing...
Believe God.
Believe that God is good.
Believe that God is good, even without my Meredith or my answers.
Love God above all else.
Love my neighbor
Let my light shine.
None of that is possible without you, Lord. Enable me, equip me, comfort me, change me. Impress on me your peace. Peace that transends all understanding.
May God bless your new year.
Merwyn gave me the gift of time today. He and Joel went to a gathering without me. He agreed readily today knowing (because I had asked for it on another day) that I wanted some time alone. Time to mourn Meredith. Time without interruption and without concern for how my mourning might impact someone else. I went into Meredith's room and I picked up the pink teddy bear given to her after she zoomed out of my womb on 9/16. I opened her closet door and just cried. I could only look for a short moment. The clothes. The little girl clothes are the most difficult for me to see. Clothes she will never wear, or never wear again. In my minds eye, I can still see what I call the clown outfit hanging. Joel picked that one out at the store and Meredith wore it frequently because it kept her warm in the NICU without too many blankets (because she insisted on sleeping with her arms up by her head!).
I asked God why. Why even give to me this little girl if you were going to take her away. Meredith's entrance into our family completed our family- what I had stopped hoping for last year at this time. Hope fulfilled when we had all but stopped hoping. I don't have the answer to this question, but I do know that God is not upset that I ask it.
Last Sunday's sermon was about darkness...darkness of evil and ignorance, but also the darkness in one's heart when life just hurts. He said, "When you don't know what the 'next thing' to do is, while you wait, do the 'right thing.'" I remember the night Meredith died. We were sitting in her room with friends and family. I was holding Meredith and I was shocked and bewildered that she had died. I kept saying over and over, "I don't know what to do". I looked around at all the faces looking for an idea. Everyone just looked back at me. I still don't know. Except to do the right thing...
Believe God.
Believe that God is good.
Believe that God is good, even without my Meredith or my answers.
Love God above all else.
Love my neighbor
Let my light shine.
None of that is possible without you, Lord. Enable me, equip me, comfort me, change me. Impress on me your peace. Peace that transends all understanding.
May God bless your new year.
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