Suffering and Joy

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. 11If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
1 Peter 4:10-11

Last Sunday I returned home from my week in Haiti. I walked through familiar rooms and drove familiar roads, but that now include new faces, places, experiences. These images flood my mind as I think quite frequently about the Haitian people.

The Haitian people do not have an easy life. There is great poverty, 80% unemployment rate, hungry tummies and more. They don't appear to have had a government that has been effective and even the UN, present for 3 years has not made life any better for them. Many people who visit Haiti talk of being struck by the immense differences b/w their lack and our much here in the US. Yes, I saw that too. What caused me the most angst though, is my observation that the people of Haiti don't believe that they "can". Can have an impact or effect on their own lives. They have a great "learned helplessness" and a great dependence. I don't know much about their history, but I suspect that generations under a dictator controlling their their existance has created this sense of extraordinary dependence.

I sat for 5 days listening to stories of pain, fear, grief and sadness. I heard about loved ones lost in the earthquake, of uprooted families overcrowding the homes of other members, of sleeping outside in tents or under tarps for fear that another earthquake will come and bring their concrete houses down. People told me about headaches, worry, racing hearts and difficulty sleeping. I looked into eyes that, for the most part, refused to cry while at the same time lacked life in their depths.

No one goes on a trip like this unless they are called. I am certain God called me to go for a variety of reasons, but mostly because on my own I would not have gone at this time in my life. As I said to someone on the trip, the timing of this call was a surprise to me as I am in the midst of grieving the loss of my sweet Meredith. I still don't know why, but I trust that God's purposes will be revealed in His time. There were moments though, on the occasions I was moved to share my loss with a Haitian sitting with me, that I saw eyes truly look at me.

There are many differences between us and people of different cultures and countries. There are many differences between us and the Haitian people. And yet, there are similarities. Suffering is suffering, whether it's over the loss of a child in an earthquake or the loss of a child in a suburban hospital. Suffering is suffering, whether it's the loss of your home to earthquake or the loss of your home to foreclosure. Suffering is suffering. At the same time, joy is joy. The joy on little one's faces during a fun game is the same in the US and in Haiti. The joy on a mom's face when she has the resources to care for her child. Joy is joy. All evidence that we need a Savior..."I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
John 10:10b.

This was a tough trip in that I didn't always have my private time to grieve. I'm grateful for the permission I have to grieve, as the Haitian people don't seem to feel that. I'm grateful for my two roomies who cared for me through my difficult times. I'm grateful to the people who talked to me about Meredith. Not everyone wants to. Or they're afraid to.

What an tremendous group of people with whom I went on this trip. All passionate about their purpose for being there, in each's own way. I came to a deeper knowing of people I've known for a while. Acquaintences grew into friends. And faces that were strangers before March 7 are now friends. We all share a unique experience and this binds us together. It's amazing how people from different backgrounds, from different generations can become friends. This is the work of God.

So many moments to remember from Haiti. Our evening in the "Tent City", the 15 year old girl (who looked 10) who thought I wanted to bring her to the US with me and her dad who seemed ready to hand her over to me. The aunt, now charged with the task of raising her 4 nieces after her sister and their parents died in the earthquake.

And of course, many moments to laugh and enjoy. For example, did you hear the one about the chicken? Ok, no lie...a chicken jumped on my head. His friend jumped on the back of my chair. Some sort of chicken conflict I guess. I wish we had pictures and so does Joel! We had a relaxing and beautiful afternoon at the beach. It's hard to remember that Haiti is a Caribean nation. It was beautiful! We also had many nice, relaxing evenings where we were staying...playing cards, debriefing, talking. Then there was my interpreter Roosevelt. He added to what I was saying. He didn't tell them everything I said. He spent the week trying to sell his art to me. Ah Roosevelt.

I came to know the Haitian people as kind, friendly and grateful. There is much deprivation in their homeland, but there were also smiles for us. People ask me if I'll go back. I don't know. I don't know what God has in store for me. Would I go? Yes, if called. Who am I to turn God down?

March 26...facing the music

How can this be? How can a hospital with this hospitals reputation be such a mess? How could so much go wrong? No, how could so much be wrong?!

I asked a friend who is a Nurse Practioner to review Meredith's medical file for me. I wanted to find out which nurse gave Meredith the lethal dose of medication.

Shelly spent hours pouring over Meredith's file and used words such as "heartbreaking". Which nurse administered the lethal dose? All of them. Meredith received 3 doses of medication. All doses, by 3 different nurses, were overdoses. No nurse checked the dose against Meredith's weight in a particular book that is used in all Children's Units. Checking prescriptions against this book is protocol. I heard that from Shelly and we've heard it from other nurses as well.

What else? Lab work was to be done before the second dose was administered. This is protocol. The bloodwork sent to the lab could not be tested. The nurse did not send another sample. She just administered the second dose.

Are you ready for more? The doctor who incorrectly wrote the prescription was a resident. Based on information Shelly found, she appears to have been 1.5 years out of medical school. Her time in the NICU was probably at 9 days when she wrote the prescription(due to a rotation schedule I didn't quite get). There is no evidence that anyone was supervising her- no Fellow, no Attending, no Neonatologist. Without a second thought, they allowed a green doctor to prescribe a medication that is not common in the NICU. My daughter is dead and I can only guess the impact on this young doctor.

When the Michigan licensing website is checked, noone has received any disciplinary action. Nothing.

If one nurse had followed protocol, my sweet Meredith would be alive. It would have taken just one. If one doctor with more experience had supervised this green doctor, my daughter would be sleeping in her bed right now. Any sleepless nights would be to take care of her, not my mind racing with whys and hows. I wouldn't be avoiding opening a closet door full of clothes. I wouldn't be wondering about what to do with all the items we purchased for her, including cloth diapers, dresser, and on and on. People wouldn't be avoiding me and avoiding talking about Meredith. So much unraveling because they didn't do their jobs.

March 26 at 1:00pm we meet with the head of patient safety, the head of the children's hospital and the head of the NICU. I have also asked that the head of nursing for the NICU be present. I can't even imagine how this meeting will go.