Living in the "and"

Where is this strange place, between two worlds. A world, where two potentially opposing realities exist at the same time. Of the many sweet, loving, kind, encouraging and gracious messages I received on Meredith's birthday, one kept jumping up at me and hitting me b/w the eyes. These were words about how great it is that Meredith gets to spend her birthday with Jesus.

Heres' what goes on in my head:

Well, yes it is. That IS great for Meredith!

But, it doesn't feel great to me. I want her here eating cake (a much nicer one by the way, than the simple heart shaped one I busted out on her birthday. It was the best I could do though...ever make a cake while sobbing? Not recommended!).

Well, that's selfish. Every mom should want her little one to be where there is no pain or tears or bad stuff.

I do want it...and I don't.

It's the and.

Heaven is a great place, a perfect place and I'm certain Meredith is perfectly happy there.

and

I want her here. With me.

Oh! But give me something to ponder and look out. There's more.

Throughout this past year, I have seen how rock solid my faith is

and

how much my faith has been rocked as I try to make sense of something that just doesn't.

 Thank God for Mark 9:24b, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" 

I laugh and joke and smile and enjoy

and

I feel so terribly sad.

I look around a new and pretty cool family room

and

remember how it was financed.

I'm fine
and
I'm not

Never before have I felt so much desire to be in heaven, to be with Meredith and away from all the heartache

and

my desire is equal to be here on earth, enjoying Joel- not wanting him to have the pain of losing his mommy.

everything is the same

and

everything is different.

Between two worlds. Living in the and.

Fortunately, I'm not left there alone. Relief, both in heart and mind, are slow in coming. I do believe the promise though that my God is with me always (Matthew 28:20).

I had intended posting on Meredith's birthday, but I just couldn't. Hard enough making the cake! I spoke much to her that day. I spoke quite a bit to God. I know I will see Meredith again some day.

It's the waiting that's hard.

Much love

W