Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. 11If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
1 Peter 4:10-11
Last Sunday I returned home from my week in Haiti. I walked through familiar rooms and drove familiar roads, but that now include new faces, places, experiences. These images flood my mind as I think quite frequently about the Haitian people.
The Haitian people do not have an easy life. There is great poverty, 80% unemployment rate, hungry tummies and more. They don't appear to have had a government that has been effective and even the UN, present for 3 years has not made life any better for them. Many people who visit Haiti talk of being struck by the immense differences b/w their lack and our much here in the US. Yes, I saw that too. What caused me the most angst though, is my observation that the people of Haiti don't believe that they "can". Can have an impact or effect on their own lives. They have a great "learned helplessness" and a great dependence. I don't know much about their history, but I suspect that generations under a dictator controlling their their existance has created this sense of extraordinary dependence.
I sat for 5 days listening to stories of pain, fear, grief and sadness. I heard about loved ones lost in the earthquake, of uprooted families overcrowding the homes of other members, of sleeping outside in tents or under tarps for fear that another earthquake will come and bring their concrete houses down. People told me about headaches, worry, racing hearts and difficulty sleeping. I looked into eyes that, for the most part, refused to cry while at the same time lacked life in their depths.
No one goes on a trip like this unless they are called. I am certain God called me to go for a variety of reasons, but mostly because on my own I would not have gone at this time in my life. As I said to someone on the trip, the timing of this call was a surprise to me as I am in the midst of grieving the loss of my sweet Meredith. I still don't know why, but I trust that God's purposes will be revealed in His time. There were moments though, on the occasions I was moved to share my loss with a Haitian sitting with me, that I saw eyes truly look at me.
There are many differences between us and people of different cultures and countries. There are many differences between us and the Haitian people. And yet, there are similarities. Suffering is suffering, whether it's over the loss of a child in an earthquake or the loss of a child in a suburban hospital. Suffering is suffering, whether it's the loss of your home to earthquake or the loss of your home to foreclosure. Suffering is suffering. At the same time, joy is joy. The joy on little one's faces during a fun game is the same in the US and in Haiti. The joy on a mom's face when she has the resources to care for her child. Joy is joy. All evidence that we need a Savior..."I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
John 10:10b.
This was a tough trip in that I didn't always have my private time to grieve. I'm grateful for the permission I have to grieve, as the Haitian people don't seem to feel that. I'm grateful for my two roomies who cared for me through my difficult times. I'm grateful to the people who talked to me about Meredith. Not everyone wants to. Or they're afraid to.
What an tremendous group of people with whom I went on this trip. All passionate about their purpose for being there, in each's own way. I came to a deeper knowing of people I've known for a while. Acquaintences grew into friends. And faces that were strangers before March 7 are now friends. We all share a unique experience and this binds us together. It's amazing how people from different backgrounds, from different generations can become friends. This is the work of God.
So many moments to remember from Haiti. Our evening in the "Tent City", the 15 year old girl (who looked 10) who thought I wanted to bring her to the US with me and her dad who seemed ready to hand her over to me. The aunt, now charged with the task of raising her 4 nieces after her sister and their parents died in the earthquake.
And of course, many moments to laugh and enjoy. For example, did you hear the one about the chicken? Ok, no lie...a chicken jumped on my head. His friend jumped on the back of my chair. Some sort of chicken conflict I guess. I wish we had pictures and so does Joel! We had a relaxing and beautiful afternoon at the beach. It's hard to remember that Haiti is a Caribean nation. It was beautiful! We also had many nice, relaxing evenings where we were staying...playing cards, debriefing, talking. Then there was my interpreter Roosevelt. He added to what I was saying. He didn't tell them everything I said. He spent the week trying to sell his art to me. Ah Roosevelt.
I came to know the Haitian people as kind, friendly and grateful. There is much deprivation in their homeland, but there were also smiles for us. People ask me if I'll go back. I don't know. I don't know what God has in store for me. Would I go? Yes, if called. Who am I to turn God down?
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
March 26...facing the music
How can this be? How can a hospital with this hospitals reputation be such a mess? How could so much go wrong? No, how could so much be wrong?!
I asked a friend who is a Nurse Practioner to review Meredith's medical file for me. I wanted to find out which nurse gave Meredith the lethal dose of medication.
Shelly spent hours pouring over Meredith's file and used words such as "heartbreaking". Which nurse administered the lethal dose? All of them. Meredith received 3 doses of medication. All doses, by 3 different nurses, were overdoses. No nurse checked the dose against Meredith's weight in a particular book that is used in all Children's Units. Checking prescriptions against this book is protocol. I heard that from Shelly and we've heard it from other nurses as well.
What else? Lab work was to be done before the second dose was administered. This is protocol. The bloodwork sent to the lab could not be tested. The nurse did not send another sample. She just administered the second dose.
Are you ready for more? The doctor who incorrectly wrote the prescription was a resident. Based on information Shelly found, she appears to have been 1.5 years out of medical school. Her time in the NICU was probably at 9 days when she wrote the prescription(due to a rotation schedule I didn't quite get). There is no evidence that anyone was supervising her- no Fellow, no Attending, no Neonatologist. Without a second thought, they allowed a green doctor to prescribe a medication that is not common in the NICU. My daughter is dead and I can only guess the impact on this young doctor.
When the Michigan licensing website is checked, noone has received any disciplinary action. Nothing.
If one nurse had followed protocol, my sweet Meredith would be alive. It would have taken just one. If one doctor with more experience had supervised this green doctor, my daughter would be sleeping in her bed right now. Any sleepless nights would be to take care of her, not my mind racing with whys and hows. I wouldn't be avoiding opening a closet door full of clothes. I wouldn't be wondering about what to do with all the items we purchased for her, including cloth diapers, dresser, and on and on. People wouldn't be avoiding me and avoiding talking about Meredith. So much unraveling because they didn't do their jobs.
March 26 at 1:00pm we meet with the head of patient safety, the head of the children's hospital and the head of the NICU. I have also asked that the head of nursing for the NICU be present. I can't even imagine how this meeting will go.
I asked a friend who is a Nurse Practioner to review Meredith's medical file for me. I wanted to find out which nurse gave Meredith the lethal dose of medication.
Shelly spent hours pouring over Meredith's file and used words such as "heartbreaking". Which nurse administered the lethal dose? All of them. Meredith received 3 doses of medication. All doses, by 3 different nurses, were overdoses. No nurse checked the dose against Meredith's weight in a particular book that is used in all Children's Units. Checking prescriptions against this book is protocol. I heard that from Shelly and we've heard it from other nurses as well.
What else? Lab work was to be done before the second dose was administered. This is protocol. The bloodwork sent to the lab could not be tested. The nurse did not send another sample. She just administered the second dose.
Are you ready for more? The doctor who incorrectly wrote the prescription was a resident. Based on information Shelly found, she appears to have been 1.5 years out of medical school. Her time in the NICU was probably at 9 days when she wrote the prescription(due to a rotation schedule I didn't quite get). There is no evidence that anyone was supervising her- no Fellow, no Attending, no Neonatologist. Without a second thought, they allowed a green doctor to prescribe a medication that is not common in the NICU. My daughter is dead and I can only guess the impact on this young doctor.
When the Michigan licensing website is checked, noone has received any disciplinary action. Nothing.
If one nurse had followed protocol, my sweet Meredith would be alive. It would have taken just one. If one doctor with more experience had supervised this green doctor, my daughter would be sleeping in her bed right now. Any sleepless nights would be to take care of her, not my mind racing with whys and hows. I wouldn't be avoiding opening a closet door full of clothes. I wouldn't be wondering about what to do with all the items we purchased for her, including cloth diapers, dresser, and on and on. People wouldn't be avoiding me and avoiding talking about Meredith. So much unraveling because they didn't do their jobs.
March 26 at 1:00pm we meet with the head of patient safety, the head of the children's hospital and the head of the NICU. I have also asked that the head of nursing for the NICU be present. I can't even imagine how this meeting will go.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Isn't she lovely!
There are so many Meredith moments I want to remember that I decided to write them down here. Today, I am remembering the day Meredith was born.
I finished my last day of work on Tuesday September 15th. I had plans with all my clients- homework assignments to do in my absence and reiterations to call/email if needed while I was on leave. I expected to go have Meredith on Friday thinking she would be born 2 days early (due date September 20th), just like Joel. Well, my pregnancy brain forgot that I actually went into labor with Joel 4 days early...but that's another story.
3:00am, Wednesday September 16th, I awoke with pains. I didn't even consider they were labor pains because I was planning to go into labor on Friday. I thought it was heartburn. I got up and went on the computer. When the pains continued, I considered it a possibility it was labor, and began cleaning because Merwyn's parents would be staying with Joel while I gave birth. I took a few Tums, and when nothing got better, I decided it must be labor. That may sound ignorant, but with both Joel and Meredith my contractions never followed a predictable or consistent pattern, even when we were headed to the hospital.
I had a regularly scheduled OB appt at 9:30am, so Merwyn and I headed off. Lisa confirmed that I was dilated to about a 3, and she hesitantly said that she thought it probably would be quicker this time. You'd understand if you knew Joel's birth story! We went home and Merwyn called his parents who live about 50 minutes away. We decided to wait until they arrived since they didn't have a key and they don't have experience with using a keypad to open a garage door.
We got to the hospital around 11:10-11:15am. Merwyn dropped me off while he parked the car. Seemed to take him forever to come back- probably 10 minutes. We went upstairs and were ushered into triage after a short wait. Throughout the morning, the pains were intense. It was never like this when I was in labor with Joel. Probably why he took so long to be born. The nurse in triage checked me and said I was at a 5. She asked if I wanted an epideral and, despite my desire to go natural, I said yes right away! Two minutes later, Meredith was coming!
The nurse began to rush around, other people came in, lots of energy! A woman came in...I call her the cheerleader. "Hi, my name is Shelly! What's your name?" Seriously?! Turns out, she is an OB and the 2 mom's she was working with weren't progressing. She saw all the action in the hallway and came rushing it. Good thing too. The doc on call was on another floor and didn't make it to triage until Meredith was already born. I call him the chatter. From the time I arrived in triage to the time Meredith was born they told me was 10 minutes. Yup. Lisa was right- this one was quicker! Lisa did finally arrive...right after they wheeled Meredith out.
Meredith had blue hands and feet when she was born. I didn't even see her before they wheeled her to the NICU. They assured me she was good though. It was about 3 hours later that I was able to see her. We walked into the NICU, were directed to her bed, and I looked upon a very familiar face...it was Joel's baby face. I expected her to look completely different because of her Down syndrome. Merwyn wasn't so sure, so I asked him to bring Joel's baby book to the hospital. He had to agree then. Then I asked the NICU nurse, Marie, what was going on and what they were doing for Meredith. It was time for Meredith's mommy to start taking care of her!
I finished my last day of work on Tuesday September 15th. I had plans with all my clients- homework assignments to do in my absence and reiterations to call/email if needed while I was on leave. I expected to go have Meredith on Friday thinking she would be born 2 days early (due date September 20th), just like Joel. Well, my pregnancy brain forgot that I actually went into labor with Joel 4 days early...but that's another story.
3:00am, Wednesday September 16th, I awoke with pains. I didn't even consider they were labor pains because I was planning to go into labor on Friday. I thought it was heartburn. I got up and went on the computer. When the pains continued, I considered it a possibility it was labor, and began cleaning because Merwyn's parents would be staying with Joel while I gave birth. I took a few Tums, and when nothing got better, I decided it must be labor. That may sound ignorant, but with both Joel and Meredith my contractions never followed a predictable or consistent pattern, even when we were headed to the hospital.
I had a regularly scheduled OB appt at 9:30am, so Merwyn and I headed off. Lisa confirmed that I was dilated to about a 3, and she hesitantly said that she thought it probably would be quicker this time. You'd understand if you knew Joel's birth story! We went home and Merwyn called his parents who live about 50 minutes away. We decided to wait until they arrived since they didn't have a key and they don't have experience with using a keypad to open a garage door.
We got to the hospital around 11:10-11:15am. Merwyn dropped me off while he parked the car. Seemed to take him forever to come back- probably 10 minutes. We went upstairs and were ushered into triage after a short wait. Throughout the morning, the pains were intense. It was never like this when I was in labor with Joel. Probably why he took so long to be born. The nurse in triage checked me and said I was at a 5. She asked if I wanted an epideral and, despite my desire to go natural, I said yes right away! Two minutes later, Meredith was coming!
The nurse began to rush around, other people came in, lots of energy! A woman came in...I call her the cheerleader. "Hi, my name is Shelly! What's your name?" Seriously?! Turns out, she is an OB and the 2 mom's she was working with weren't progressing. She saw all the action in the hallway and came rushing it. Good thing too. The doc on call was on another floor and didn't make it to triage until Meredith was already born. I call him the chatter. From the time I arrived in triage to the time Meredith was born they told me was 10 minutes. Yup. Lisa was right- this one was quicker! Lisa did finally arrive...right after they wheeled Meredith out.
Meredith had blue hands and feet when she was born. I didn't even see her before they wheeled her to the NICU. They assured me she was good though. It was about 3 hours later that I was able to see her. We walked into the NICU, were directed to her bed, and I looked upon a very familiar face...it was Joel's baby face. I expected her to look completely different because of her Down syndrome. Merwyn wasn't so sure, so I asked him to bring Joel's baby book to the hospital. He had to agree then. Then I asked the NICU nurse, Marie, what was going on and what they were doing for Meredith. It was time for Meredith's mommy to start taking care of her!
Monday, January 11, 2010
marathon
One year ago today, I was at my office, like I am right now. My body was acting weird- to be honest, I had to pee... A LOT, and I couldn't figure out why. I stopped drinking water half way through the day to end the craziness but it didn't end. I began to wonder if I was pregnant but very cautiously because of so much disappointment.
The next day, Tuesday, I bought a test. I was waiting until closer to the time that Merwyn would be home to take it. That day, for the first time ever, Joel said he wished he had a sister. Never said anything remotely close to wanting a sibling before. Of course, I took the test and it was positive. Merwyn and I were surprised and cautiously hopeful. And, Joel continued to ask for a sister through the next 3 months while we were ready to tell him.
The exteme need to use the bathroom ended on that Monday. I decided it was God getting my attention- he wanted me to know. There are a few times in my life when I am certain that God has spoken directly to me. One of those times came on 9/8/08 during my prayer time. I wrote it in my journal, which I keep sporadically. We had finished a few weeks before our last IUI treatment to try and get pregnant. During my prayer time, lamenting the failure to get pregnant, I heard God say to me, "I want to do it myself". On this same day, one year earlier, I was excited to know that it came true- no medical intervention to this 40+ woman, it was undeniably God alone.
This remembering "this time last year" came after remembering "this time 3 months ago". I wonder when the 10th of any month will stop reminding me. 3 months ago yesterday, Meredith died. I am still in disbelief. Disbelief that she died, disbelief over the reason she died, disbelief that last year actually happened. The dream like experience continues, for I don't have the fruit of those months with me.
This is where the marathon of grieving begins, I suppose. The energy and excitement of those first days are over. Peoples lives have gone on, as expected. My world moves slowly. This is the picture in my head...3 escalators side by side. The 2 on the ends move quickly, many people on them. The center one is where I am...it moves much more slowly.
The marathon. 2 thought threads. One thread...last year at this time, hearing her heartbeat, telling our families, ultrasound/diagnosis, etc. Second thread...firsts without her. My first birthday, first mother's day, father's day, camping, etc.
Tomorrow I will be remembering my tempered excitement over a positive pregnancy test. And there will be more remembering and wishing. It's a marathon.
The next day, Tuesday, I bought a test. I was waiting until closer to the time that Merwyn would be home to take it. That day, for the first time ever, Joel said he wished he had a sister. Never said anything remotely close to wanting a sibling before. Of course, I took the test and it was positive. Merwyn and I were surprised and cautiously hopeful. And, Joel continued to ask for a sister through the next 3 months while we were ready to tell him.
The exteme need to use the bathroom ended on that Monday. I decided it was God getting my attention- he wanted me to know. There are a few times in my life when I am certain that God has spoken directly to me. One of those times came on 9/8/08 during my prayer time. I wrote it in my journal, which I keep sporadically. We had finished a few weeks before our last IUI treatment to try and get pregnant. During my prayer time, lamenting the failure to get pregnant, I heard God say to me, "I want to do it myself". On this same day, one year earlier, I was excited to know that it came true- no medical intervention to this 40+ woman, it was undeniably God alone.
This remembering "this time last year" came after remembering "this time 3 months ago". I wonder when the 10th of any month will stop reminding me. 3 months ago yesterday, Meredith died. I am still in disbelief. Disbelief that she died, disbelief over the reason she died, disbelief that last year actually happened. The dream like experience continues, for I don't have the fruit of those months with me.
This is where the marathon of grieving begins, I suppose. The energy and excitement of those first days are over. Peoples lives have gone on, as expected. My world moves slowly. This is the picture in my head...3 escalators side by side. The 2 on the ends move quickly, many people on them. The center one is where I am...it moves much more slowly.
The marathon. 2 thought threads. One thread...last year at this time, hearing her heartbeat, telling our families, ultrasound/diagnosis, etc. Second thread...firsts without her. My first birthday, first mother's day, father's day, camping, etc.
Tomorrow I will be remembering my tempered excitement over a positive pregnancy test. And there will be more remembering and wishing. It's a marathon.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years...
I am having a hard day today, for a few reasons, one of which is my reaction to New Years. I didn't realize until a friend shared how the new year affected her after her brother died. I, too, am having difficulty but for different reasons. January 1 is typically seen as a "new slate", "opportunity to start fresh", "new beginnings"- you get it. I don't want new...I want what I had. I want my sweet little girl. I know she is having a great time in heaven with Jesus. But I can't help myself. I want Meredith here. Now. To move into the new year with me.
Merwyn gave me the gift of time today. He and Joel went to a gathering without me. He agreed readily today knowing (because I had asked for it on another day) that I wanted some time alone. Time to mourn Meredith. Time without interruption and without concern for how my mourning might impact someone else. I went into Meredith's room and I picked up the pink teddy bear given to her after she zoomed out of my womb on 9/16. I opened her closet door and just cried. I could only look for a short moment. The clothes. The little girl clothes are the most difficult for me to see. Clothes she will never wear, or never wear again. In my minds eye, I can still see what I call the clown outfit hanging. Joel picked that one out at the store and Meredith wore it frequently because it kept her warm in the NICU without too many blankets (because she insisted on sleeping with her arms up by her head!).
I asked God why. Why even give to me this little girl if you were going to take her away. Meredith's entrance into our family completed our family- what I had stopped hoping for last year at this time. Hope fulfilled when we had all but stopped hoping. I don't have the answer to this question, but I do know that God is not upset that I ask it.
Last Sunday's sermon was about darkness...darkness of evil and ignorance, but also the darkness in one's heart when life just hurts. He said, "When you don't know what the 'next thing' to do is, while you wait, do the 'right thing.'" I remember the night Meredith died. We were sitting in her room with friends and family. I was holding Meredith and I was shocked and bewildered that she had died. I kept saying over and over, "I don't know what to do". I looked around at all the faces looking for an idea. Everyone just looked back at me. I still don't know. Except to do the right thing...
Believe God.
Believe that God is good.
Believe that God is good, even without my Meredith or my answers.
Love God above all else.
Love my neighbor
Let my light shine.
None of that is possible without you, Lord. Enable me, equip me, comfort me, change me. Impress on me your peace. Peace that transends all understanding.
May God bless your new year.
Merwyn gave me the gift of time today. He and Joel went to a gathering without me. He agreed readily today knowing (because I had asked for it on another day) that I wanted some time alone. Time to mourn Meredith. Time without interruption and without concern for how my mourning might impact someone else. I went into Meredith's room and I picked up the pink teddy bear given to her after she zoomed out of my womb on 9/16. I opened her closet door and just cried. I could only look for a short moment. The clothes. The little girl clothes are the most difficult for me to see. Clothes she will never wear, or never wear again. In my minds eye, I can still see what I call the clown outfit hanging. Joel picked that one out at the store and Meredith wore it frequently because it kept her warm in the NICU without too many blankets (because she insisted on sleeping with her arms up by her head!).
I asked God why. Why even give to me this little girl if you were going to take her away. Meredith's entrance into our family completed our family- what I had stopped hoping for last year at this time. Hope fulfilled when we had all but stopped hoping. I don't have the answer to this question, but I do know that God is not upset that I ask it.
Last Sunday's sermon was about darkness...darkness of evil and ignorance, but also the darkness in one's heart when life just hurts. He said, "When you don't know what the 'next thing' to do is, while you wait, do the 'right thing.'" I remember the night Meredith died. We were sitting in her room with friends and family. I was holding Meredith and I was shocked and bewildered that she had died. I kept saying over and over, "I don't know what to do". I looked around at all the faces looking for an idea. Everyone just looked back at me. I still don't know. Except to do the right thing...
Believe God.
Believe that God is good.
Believe that God is good, even without my Meredith or my answers.
Love God above all else.
Love my neighbor
Let my light shine.
None of that is possible without you, Lord. Enable me, equip me, comfort me, change me. Impress on me your peace. Peace that transends all understanding.
May God bless your new year.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Blogging
I guess I wasn't done. I thought I was when I made my last Care Pages posting. Then I realized I liked writing this way. I didn't like that people were emailed when I posted. I didn't like that people who had moved on from our story were called back. I noticed that some ignored the email reminders and yet I felt intrusive for coming unbidded into their world. If anyone was interested in our story, I wanted them to come of their own accord. Whether people come here or not is not important...the writing is. Many on Care Pages said it helped them to know where I was at...for those who still want to know, here I am.
Christmas was yesterday. I have felt very disconnected from the whole hoopla. Shopping, baking, decorating were all simply "to-do's" on my list. Without Joel, the little that was done would likely have gone undone. It all seems so unimportant. I would read all the Facebook updates of the busyness and feel very disconnected from it. I think someday, maybe next year even, will be different. This year though...nothing special.
It's funny though...how easy it is for all the hoopla to mask over the reason for Christmas. As we did Advent devotions with Joel, looking at the baby Jesus in picture and word took on greater meaning to me this year. I think because it had been such a short while since I gave birth and held my own special baby. My heart hurt as we read a poignant description of (possibly) how Mary felt and what she thought as she looked at her first born. We know that she was destined to witness his death...did she know? When I first saw Meredith and held her, I had no idea that my time with her was limited- that it would end. A baby and a mommy.
Truthfully, I'm glad it's all over. Our regular routine must help me, because I'm longing for it. Of course, Joel is still on school break and Merwyn has days home from work, but I find myself wanting my schedule back.
I should say though that there were many joys during this holiday. Joel provides so many moments of laughter. We've had some great laughs- just this morning in fact when we were playing with Joel's toys before getting out of bed. Joel had so much enthusiasm opening his presents and equally excited for us to open our gifts. What a gift he is. It's that delicate tension...as we mourn, we also live.
Until next time!
Christmas was yesterday. I have felt very disconnected from the whole hoopla. Shopping, baking, decorating were all simply "to-do's" on my list. Without Joel, the little that was done would likely have gone undone. It all seems so unimportant. I would read all the Facebook updates of the busyness and feel very disconnected from it. I think someday, maybe next year even, will be different. This year though...nothing special.
It's funny though...how easy it is for all the hoopla to mask over the reason for Christmas. As we did Advent devotions with Joel, looking at the baby Jesus in picture and word took on greater meaning to me this year. I think because it had been such a short while since I gave birth and held my own special baby. My heart hurt as we read a poignant description of (possibly) how Mary felt and what she thought as she looked at her first born. We know that she was destined to witness his death...did she know? When I first saw Meredith and held her, I had no idea that my time with her was limited- that it would end. A baby and a mommy.
Truthfully, I'm glad it's all over. Our regular routine must help me, because I'm longing for it. Of course, Joel is still on school break and Merwyn has days home from work, but I find myself wanting my schedule back.
I should say though that there were many joys during this holiday. Joel provides so many moments of laughter. We've had some great laughs- just this morning in fact when we were playing with Joel's toys before getting out of bed. Joel had so much enthusiasm opening his presents and equally excited for us to open our gifts. What a gift he is. It's that delicate tension...as we mourn, we also live.
Until next time!
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