I guess I wasn't done. I thought I was when I made my last Care Pages posting. Then I realized I liked writing this way. I didn't like that people were emailed when I posted. I didn't like that people who had moved on from our story were called back. I noticed that some ignored the email reminders and yet I felt intrusive for coming unbidded into their world. If anyone was interested in our story, I wanted them to come of their own accord. Whether people come here or not is not important...the writing is. Many on Care Pages said it helped them to know where I was at...for those who still want to know, here I am.
Christmas was yesterday. I have felt very disconnected from the whole hoopla. Shopping, baking, decorating were all simply "to-do's" on my list. Without Joel, the little that was done would likely have gone undone. It all seems so unimportant. I would read all the Facebook updates of the busyness and feel very disconnected from it. I think someday, maybe next year even, will be different. This year though...nothing special.
It's funny though...how easy it is for all the hoopla to mask over the reason for Christmas. As we did Advent devotions with Joel, looking at the baby Jesus in picture and word took on greater meaning to me this year. I think because it had been such a short while since I gave birth and held my own special baby. My heart hurt as we read a poignant description of (possibly) how Mary felt and what she thought as she looked at her first born. We know that she was destined to witness his death...did she know? When I first saw Meredith and held her, I had no idea that my time with her was limited- that it would end. A baby and a mommy.
Truthfully, I'm glad it's all over. Our regular routine must help me, because I'm longing for it. Of course, Joel is still on school break and Merwyn has days home from work, but I find myself wanting my schedule back.
I should say though that there were many joys during this holiday. Joel provides so many moments of laughter. We've had some great laughs- just this morning in fact when we were playing with Joel's toys before getting out of bed. Joel had so much enthusiasm opening his presents and equally excited for us to open our gifts. What a gift he is. It's that delicate tension...as we mourn, we also live.
Until next time!
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I will enjoy reading your blog, you are very talented at writing. Thank you for continuing to share your struggles and heart. It helps to know how to continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI certainly can understand how you feel, I tried to be at the care pages each week to share in your struggle and to listen to what you were saying. It gave me a chance to be apart of your life and to know how to pray for you and your family
ReplyDeletewill you be here from now on or care pages or both
I always have my heart over my head and today while I as here in bed sick as I began to pray I thought of you. I do not know how to pray for you but I do, I pray for words to say because I care and love u and your family, I want to because I want to understand and be there for you
ReplyDeleteI share your sadness and I have never lost a child though I am with you.
Thoughts of my mother abound me this week more so than any other week this year and I thought of another mother....you, mid the snow showers and the quiet of the house I hear my mom saying
ReplyDeleteI am not there, I do not sleep.I am a thousand winds that howl and blow through your hair , I am the diamond glints on the snow.I am the sunlight that warm your face I am the gentle autumns’s rain.When you awaken in the morning’s hush,I am the swift uplifting voice,Of quiet birds in circled flight.I am the soft star that shines at night.Do not stand at my grave and cry.I am not there; I did not die...