New Years...

I am having a hard day today, for a few reasons, one of which is my reaction to New Years. I didn't realize until a friend shared how the new year affected her after her brother died. I, too, am having difficulty but for different reasons. January 1 is typically seen as a "new slate", "opportunity to start fresh", "new beginnings"- you get it. I don't want new...I want what I had. I want my sweet little girl. I know she is having a great time in heaven with Jesus. But I can't help myself. I want Meredith here. Now. To move into the new year with me.

Merwyn gave me the gift of time today. He and Joel went to a gathering without me. He agreed readily today knowing (because I had asked for it on another day) that I wanted some time alone. Time to mourn Meredith. Time without interruption and without concern for how my mourning might impact someone else. I went into Meredith's room and I picked up the pink teddy bear given to her after she zoomed out of my womb on 9/16. I opened her closet door and just cried. I could only look for a short moment. The clothes. The little girl clothes are the most difficult for me to see. Clothes she will never wear, or never wear again. In my minds eye, I can still see what I call the clown outfit hanging. Joel picked that one out at the store and Meredith wore it frequently because it kept her warm in the NICU without too many blankets (because she insisted on sleeping with her arms up by her head!).

I asked God why. Why even give to me this little girl if you were going to take her away. Meredith's entrance into our family completed our family- what I had stopped hoping for last year at this time. Hope fulfilled when we had all but stopped hoping. I don't have the answer to this question, but I do know that God is not upset that I ask it.

Last Sunday's sermon was about darkness...darkness of evil and ignorance, but also the darkness in one's heart when life just hurts. He said, "When you don't know what the 'next thing' to do is, while you wait, do the 'right thing.'" I remember the night Meredith died. We were sitting in her room with friends and family. I was holding Meredith and I was shocked and bewildered that she had died. I kept saying over and over, "I don't know what to do". I looked around at all the faces looking for an idea. Everyone just looked back at me. I still don't know. Except to do the right thing...
Believe God.
Believe that God is good.
Believe that God is good, even without my Meredith or my answers.
Love God above all else.
Love my neighbor
Let my light shine.

None of that is possible without you, Lord. Enable me, equip me, comfort me, change me. Impress on me your peace. Peace that transends all understanding.

May God bless your new year.