I'm just remembering one year ago today...our 20 week ultrasound revealed a hole in baby's heart- an AVSD, very common in little ones with Down syndrome. It was a tough day, and the next when we had our amniocentesis. It was confirmed on 4/29 that we had a little girl, and the Down syndrome confirmed on 4/30.
My only regret, beyond wishing I'd taken Meredith to Children's rather than you know where on 10/9, was that I allowed her diagnosis to affect my enjoyment of my pregnancy and my joy for the next 5 months. I prayed that these feelings would disappear once she was born and I thank God that they did. I so enjoyed and loved my little girl for those 24 days. A bit of heaven on earth.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Raspberry bushes
Thursday I was in the ophthalmologist's waiting room with Joel. He was playing with his Lego's. I was...I don't know where. Out of my reverie I hear Joel's voice say, "Why do you have that sad look on your face?" I was surprised...I didn't realize. I don't even remember what in particular I was thinking about actually, or why my face looked sad. I told him, "I guess I'm thinking some sad thoughts, Joel". That satisfied him, amazingly.
In no way do I expect this grief process to end quickly, certainly not anytime soon. A benefit of my work is that I know it can, and likely will be, a long process that will permeate every aspect of my life for quite a while. Living it though, is a different experience.
Yesterday, we began to take our raspberry bushes out. We're having work done on our family room and "demo" begins tomorrow. I bought two ceramic pots to put some bushes in. Two neighbors took a few. We'd only removed about half and were leaving the rest to be destroyed.
Last night, this morning, throughout today, I kept thinking about those remaining bushes. Perfectly good bushes. It just seemed wrong.
We had a particularly long day at church today, but afterwards, I told Merwyn that I couldn't just let those bushes die. We went out, found another pot and dug out some more. I made a phone call and had someone else coming over to get some to take home.
They're just bushes, aren't they?
This is living with grief. With loss. Not wanting anything ELSE to die unnecessarily. I kept telling myself they were just bushes. More would grow. I couldn't convince myself not to do something about it though. Not after losing her.
It surprises me how very much Meredith is on my mind. Remembering time with her. Remembering our hopes and dreams for her. Processing and questioning our loss of her. There are lots of questions. All with no answers. My thoughts take me to warm places and cold/hard places. Places that show the cracks in my faith. Places where my vulnerabilities are apparent.
Cracks and vulnerabilities. Processing grief, or trauma or anything really that causes pain, strips away facades or masks that we take on as we go through life. Ways of making life work. That perhaps really don't.
There is someone out there though who takes advantage of these times. Someone who prowls around, looking for someone to devour. He enjoys vulnerabilities.
Someone who is the father of liars. He takes our hurts and questions, our doubts and capitalizes on them. He is a tempter who leads our minds to the places of his dark world.
We should all expect him. We shouldn't tolerate him though. I will not tolerate him.
This Thursday, I begin "healing prayer" with someone seasoned in doing this battle. I begin with one simple statement, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24b).
On the other side is freedom. Perhaps redemption. Meredith can't come back. I will see her again. In the meantime I remain here on earth. I'd go to her now. Joel keeps me wanting to be here. Losing mommy is tough on a kiddo.
This is what I know: "You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one that is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." (1John 4:4) and "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).
This is not my battle. It is the Lord's. He never leaves me. Even when it feels like he has. Feeling is not reality. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." (2 Chronicles 20:17).
Truth is, I am not afraid.
And, I'd appreciate your prayers.
Wendy
In no way do I expect this grief process to end quickly, certainly not anytime soon. A benefit of my work is that I know it can, and likely will be, a long process that will permeate every aspect of my life for quite a while. Living it though, is a different experience.
Yesterday, we began to take our raspberry bushes out. We're having work done on our family room and "demo" begins tomorrow. I bought two ceramic pots to put some bushes in. Two neighbors took a few. We'd only removed about half and were leaving the rest to be destroyed.
Last night, this morning, throughout today, I kept thinking about those remaining bushes. Perfectly good bushes. It just seemed wrong.
We had a particularly long day at church today, but afterwards, I told Merwyn that I couldn't just let those bushes die. We went out, found another pot and dug out some more. I made a phone call and had someone else coming over to get some to take home.
They're just bushes, aren't they?
This is living with grief. With loss. Not wanting anything ELSE to die unnecessarily. I kept telling myself they were just bushes. More would grow. I couldn't convince myself not to do something about it though. Not after losing her.
It surprises me how very much Meredith is on my mind. Remembering time with her. Remembering our hopes and dreams for her. Processing and questioning our loss of her. There are lots of questions. All with no answers. My thoughts take me to warm places and cold/hard places. Places that show the cracks in my faith. Places where my vulnerabilities are apparent.
Cracks and vulnerabilities. Processing grief, or trauma or anything really that causes pain, strips away facades or masks that we take on as we go through life. Ways of making life work. That perhaps really don't.
There is someone out there though who takes advantage of these times. Someone who prowls around, looking for someone to devour. He enjoys vulnerabilities.
Someone who is the father of liars. He takes our hurts and questions, our doubts and capitalizes on them. He is a tempter who leads our minds to the places of his dark world.
We should all expect him. We shouldn't tolerate him though. I will not tolerate him.
This Thursday, I begin "healing prayer" with someone seasoned in doing this battle. I begin with one simple statement, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24b).
On the other side is freedom. Perhaps redemption. Meredith can't come back. I will see her again. In the meantime I remain here on earth. I'd go to her now. Joel keeps me wanting to be here. Losing mommy is tough on a kiddo.
This is what I know: "You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one that is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." (1John 4:4) and "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).
This is not my battle. It is the Lord's. He never leaves me. Even when it feels like he has. Feeling is not reality. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." (2 Chronicles 20:17).
Truth is, I am not afraid.
And, I'd appreciate your prayers.
Wendy
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Offered Grace
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Hebrews 12:14-15
What follows is my letter to the doctor who wrote Meredith's prescription wrong. It is going out into the mail today. Names have been removed. Please pray for God's purposes for her as she reads it.
Dr. _________,
You and I have never met. Perhaps you were in the clump of doctors and nurses that I saw pass by my daughters room in G-pod the morning of October 10th. I do know that your name and signature are all over my daughter’s medical record. I am Wendy Essenburg, Meredith Essenburg's mom.
Meredith was our miracle. All babies are miracles, but our story in particular needed a miracle. In January of 2009, we discovered we were pregnant. With tempered joy, we prayed that this pregnancy would be carried to full term. You see, since my son's birth in March of 2004, we have had 4 miscarriages. Further, 4 fertility treatments were attempted and failed. We even walked down the adoption road twice, but didn't feel the Lord's open door. In the fall of 2008, we were working hard on letting go of our dream of a second child to love. The missing piece to our family.
We hadn't had a pregnancy since March of 2007, so this pregnancy in January 09, without any medical intervention to a 43 year old woman, was a miracle to us. We told a few others, to have a prayer team. Another miracle- on March 6th, we heard a heartbeat...this pregnancy was viable! With great joy on our son's birthday, March 7th, we told our family assembled for his birthday party.
Our ultrasound on April 28th revealed a heart defect common in kiddo's with Down syndrome and the next day DS was confirmed via amniocentesis. Hard news to take. Every parent wants their little one to be 100% healthy. At the same time, we knew that this baby, now known to be a girl, was created perfectly by our Father in Heaven. We knew, as it says in Psalm 139, that she was knit by God in my womb. We praised God because she was fearfully and wonderfully made. God does not make mistakes. Even when we felt saddened by her diagnosis, we knew that God had an awesome plan for Meredith and for us as her parents. We knew without a doubt that God would use Meredith to advance his Kingdom and that is what carried us the next 5 months.
On September 16, Meredith was born. In a hurry to arrive, she was born in triage and taken immediately to the NICU at (first hospital), due to her need for oxygen. Approximately 3 hours later I was able to see her for the first time. When I looked at Meredith's precious face, so much like her brothers face when he was born, all angst, anger and bad feelings about her DS disappeared. It is what I had prayed for and know, because I know the condition of my heart, that only the Lord could have accomplished this miracle in my heart. I loved her instantly, unconditionally and passionately. Just as she deserved.
While I went home without her, Meredith was never, ever out of my thoughts. We did whatever the doctors and nurses at (first hospital) told us to do. I came to the hospital 2x a day to be with her and perform what care I could. We tried many different suggested ways to feed Meredith through her sleepiness. I talked several times with the lactation consultants there. We learned to tube feed. I learned to insert a feeding tube. All we wanted was to bring our sweet girl home. What a joy the day we did…and what sadness 2 days later when she had to return, but this time to (second hospital). The trauma and drama of that Friday was forgotten the next day, Saturday October 10th, when I spent an amazing 6.5 hours with Meredith. She ate, 100% from a bottle. Her fever was down. She was more comfortable. We napped together. I left her room at 4:35pm so excited that Meredith was improving. So warm from our special day together, looking forward to doing the same thing the next day. At about 7pm that evening, just 2.5 hours after I left Meredith, we were called back to the hospital after being told on the phone that "your daughter is in critical condition".
After 24 days of life, Meredith was dead. If I had known that there was danger at (second hospital), I would not have taken her there. If I had known that blind faith in the medical community was unwarranted, I would have been much more active and involved in Meredith's care. If I had known… But God knew. And God allowed you, Dr. ________, to write the prescription incorrectly, and the pharmacist and three nurses to bypass what I have been told is standard protocol, resulting in the administration of three Digoxin overdoses. I don't know why. God's ways are not our ways.
I do know that the miracles of Meredith however, did not end when she died, because, God has placed in my heart forgiveness. I know this is a miracle because I know the condition of my heart. Despite this condition, God has filled me with forgiveness and compassion for you, Dr. ________. I consider it a gift to me as well, since grieving is hard enough without the additional burden of bitterness and anger. I don't know if you want this forgiveness, but here it is regardless. I don't know the condition of your heart, but I do know that I would want it if I was in your position.
It is a great irony to me that the day I came home from the hospital after Meredith was born- she remained at the (first hospital) NICU- I read an article in my Good Housekeeping magazine about Sorrel King whose daughter Josie died at Johns Hopkins, due to medical error. I thought at the time that it was a very sad story, but in no way became alarmed or thought that it had any relevance for me. A short 22 days later, my vantage point was different. "Josie's Story", written by Sorrel King, is a book I highly recommend any medical professional read (www.josieking.org), and it's a recommendation I make to you.
October 10th, the day Meredith died, was 6 months ago today. Meredith is ever on my mind. I think about the time I spent with her. I think about the future we thought we had with her. I think about the events the night of her death, and the subsequent revelations of why she died. Our hurts and struggles will last quite a while…a testimony to the fact that she died, as well as how very much we loved her.
You have taken on a job that requires much knowledge, skill and expertise. We, as the general public, place a great deal of faith in doctors and the medical profession. It is a sacred trust when a parent hands her child over. Clearly no one in the medical profession intends to harm their patients, especially a helpless and sick baby. I imagine, Dr. _______, that you have been greatly impacted by Meredith's death. I hope that you are receiving support through this and pray that this serves to propel and compel you towards excellence in caring for the physical well-being of the children with whom you work.
I pray, Dr. ________, that you never, ever, forget our Meredith Rose, and I pray the grace, mercy and peace of Jesus be with you.
Wendy Essenburg, Meredith's mommy
What follows is my letter to the doctor who wrote Meredith's prescription wrong. It is going out into the mail today. Names have been removed. Please pray for God's purposes for her as she reads it.
Dr. _________,
You and I have never met. Perhaps you were in the clump of doctors and nurses that I saw pass by my daughters room in G-pod the morning of October 10th. I do know that your name and signature are all over my daughter’s medical record. I am Wendy Essenburg, Meredith Essenburg's mom.
Meredith was our miracle. All babies are miracles, but our story in particular needed a miracle. In January of 2009, we discovered we were pregnant. With tempered joy, we prayed that this pregnancy would be carried to full term. You see, since my son's birth in March of 2004, we have had 4 miscarriages. Further, 4 fertility treatments were attempted and failed. We even walked down the adoption road twice, but didn't feel the Lord's open door. In the fall of 2008, we were working hard on letting go of our dream of a second child to love. The missing piece to our family.
We hadn't had a pregnancy since March of 2007, so this pregnancy in January 09, without any medical intervention to a 43 year old woman, was a miracle to us. We told a few others, to have a prayer team. Another miracle- on March 6th, we heard a heartbeat...this pregnancy was viable! With great joy on our son's birthday, March 7th, we told our family assembled for his birthday party.
Our ultrasound on April 28th revealed a heart defect common in kiddo's with Down syndrome and the next day DS was confirmed via amniocentesis. Hard news to take. Every parent wants their little one to be 100% healthy. At the same time, we knew that this baby, now known to be a girl, was created perfectly by our Father in Heaven. We knew, as it says in Psalm 139, that she was knit by God in my womb. We praised God because she was fearfully and wonderfully made. God does not make mistakes. Even when we felt saddened by her diagnosis, we knew that God had an awesome plan for Meredith and for us as her parents. We knew without a doubt that God would use Meredith to advance his Kingdom and that is what carried us the next 5 months.
On September 16, Meredith was born. In a hurry to arrive, she was born in triage and taken immediately to the NICU at (first hospital), due to her need for oxygen. Approximately 3 hours later I was able to see her for the first time. When I looked at Meredith's precious face, so much like her brothers face when he was born, all angst, anger and bad feelings about her DS disappeared. It is what I had prayed for and know, because I know the condition of my heart, that only the Lord could have accomplished this miracle in my heart. I loved her instantly, unconditionally and passionately. Just as she deserved.
While I went home without her, Meredith was never, ever out of my thoughts. We did whatever the doctors and nurses at (first hospital) told us to do. I came to the hospital 2x a day to be with her and perform what care I could. We tried many different suggested ways to feed Meredith through her sleepiness. I talked several times with the lactation consultants there. We learned to tube feed. I learned to insert a feeding tube. All we wanted was to bring our sweet girl home. What a joy the day we did…and what sadness 2 days later when she had to return, but this time to (second hospital). The trauma and drama of that Friday was forgotten the next day, Saturday October 10th, when I spent an amazing 6.5 hours with Meredith. She ate, 100% from a bottle. Her fever was down. She was more comfortable. We napped together. I left her room at 4:35pm so excited that Meredith was improving. So warm from our special day together, looking forward to doing the same thing the next day. At about 7pm that evening, just 2.5 hours after I left Meredith, we were called back to the hospital after being told on the phone that "your daughter is in critical condition".
After 24 days of life, Meredith was dead. If I had known that there was danger at (second hospital), I would not have taken her there. If I had known that blind faith in the medical community was unwarranted, I would have been much more active and involved in Meredith's care. If I had known… But God knew. And God allowed you, Dr. ________, to write the prescription incorrectly, and the pharmacist and three nurses to bypass what I have been told is standard protocol, resulting in the administration of three Digoxin overdoses. I don't know why. God's ways are not our ways.
I do know that the miracles of Meredith however, did not end when she died, because, God has placed in my heart forgiveness. I know this is a miracle because I know the condition of my heart. Despite this condition, God has filled me with forgiveness and compassion for you, Dr. ________. I consider it a gift to me as well, since grieving is hard enough without the additional burden of bitterness and anger. I don't know if you want this forgiveness, but here it is regardless. I don't know the condition of your heart, but I do know that I would want it if I was in your position.
It is a great irony to me that the day I came home from the hospital after Meredith was born- she remained at the (first hospital) NICU- I read an article in my Good Housekeeping magazine about Sorrel King whose daughter Josie died at Johns Hopkins, due to medical error. I thought at the time that it was a very sad story, but in no way became alarmed or thought that it had any relevance for me. A short 22 days later, my vantage point was different. "Josie's Story", written by Sorrel King, is a book I highly recommend any medical professional read (www.josieking.org), and it's a recommendation I make to you.
October 10th, the day Meredith died, was 6 months ago today. Meredith is ever on my mind. I think about the time I spent with her. I think about the future we thought we had with her. I think about the events the night of her death, and the subsequent revelations of why she died. Our hurts and struggles will last quite a while…a testimony to the fact that she died, as well as how very much we loved her.
You have taken on a job that requires much knowledge, skill and expertise. We, as the general public, place a great deal of faith in doctors and the medical profession. It is a sacred trust when a parent hands her child over. Clearly no one in the medical profession intends to harm their patients, especially a helpless and sick baby. I imagine, Dr. _______, that you have been greatly impacted by Meredith's death. I hope that you are receiving support through this and pray that this serves to propel and compel you towards excellence in caring for the physical well-being of the children with whom you work.
I pray, Dr. ________, that you never, ever, forget our Meredith Rose, and I pray the grace, mercy and peace of Jesus be with you.
Wendy Essenburg, Meredith's mommy
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Haunted
My mind is not my own.
It is full of images, pictures, dates, dashed hopes and dreams.
I so wish that it would all disappear. I wish I didn't remember that Saturday was the 6 month anniversary. I wish that so many "this time last year" memories would just disappear.
The pregnancy was so wanted. The desire for a second child so great. The longing to have that missing piece to our family puzzle finally in place. I wish it didn't hurt to see babies and pregnant women.
The memories of my time with Meredith are so sweet, and yet at the same time, painful. Remembering is warm but also a reminder of what is now gone. Such a short time to feel settled. A short time to have all the questions finally disappear. Now returned.
No answers come. No insight achieved.
What I have left is simply hope. Hope to sustain and grow me. Change me. Renew me. Looking to run. Wanting to soar. Willing to walk.
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
It is full of images, pictures, dates, dashed hopes and dreams.
I so wish that it would all disappear. I wish I didn't remember that Saturday was the 6 month anniversary. I wish that so many "this time last year" memories would just disappear.
The pregnancy was so wanted. The desire for a second child so great. The longing to have that missing piece to our family puzzle finally in place. I wish it didn't hurt to see babies and pregnant women.
The memories of my time with Meredith are so sweet, and yet at the same time, painful. Remembering is warm but also a reminder of what is now gone. Such a short time to feel settled. A short time to have all the questions finally disappear. Now returned.
No answers come. No insight achieved.
What I have left is simply hope. Hope to sustain and grow me. Change me. Renew me. Looking to run. Wanting to soar. Willing to walk.
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
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