"Meredith is not forgotten!"

I haven't been here in a while. I haven't had anything new to say. I've thought about writing, but it would be more of the same. Life in my head is stuck. Stuck on October 10. In my minds eye, the calendar is colorless after October 10th. Dull. Gray. I know that things have changed, that life has gone on. I see it. Joel is completing his kindergarten year. He's taller. He now reads so well. He's obsessed with Star Wars-never saw that coming! I went to Haiti. We are adding onto our family room and I'm in the midst of choosing paint and carpeting, etc. We've gone from Fall, to Winter, to Spring and now summer. The world has moved. My world has moved. I've gone along with it. But my mind hasn't.

It's gotten harder lately. I remember so vividly last summer, our camping and vacations. My discomfort as my tummy grew. My hurt that Meredith had Down syndrome. The conflict in my heart as she moved within me. Oh, how I wish I could go back to that conflict! The fact that she had DS was the biggest deal to me then. So minor now. The run up to our anniversaries is coming- her birth and her death. My anticipation of that is growing.

There are so many times I sit awestruck by the fact that my child died. And, in such a horrible way. Really? That happened to me? It's not just a Lifetime movie? I am often blown away by the fact that it took 5 people to kill her. 5 different people doing their jobs incorrectly. It only took one of these 5 to do his/her job right, and Meredith would be with us. What an extraordinary event. 5 people. So hard to grasp.

So much has changed. Some friends are no longer integral to my life. I spend a lot of time wondering why. Do they think it's contagious or are afraid? Was it more convenient, easy before? Or, was I really the one keeping it going and now, I don't have the energy or motivation.

I'm stuck. On  Sunday, Joel said, "It's not fair. Why do others get to keep their babies but not us?!" I can't even count the times I've thought that very same thing. This is my trouble with God. Our Pastor, in every interaction says he is praying for me only the gifts that God can give...His grace, mercy, peace and hope. I know his gifts are around me, but I've been resistant to seeing them. I want her. That's the gift I want.  I don't want to see the other gifts because they aren't what I really want.

I was thinking over the last couple days about how I never wanted Meredith to be forgotten, how I wished others knew her like I do, and that others got to meet her. I didn't know everything about her, but I knew her. I still remember so clearly those beautiful eyes looking right into mine. I remember the aha moment when I was beginning to recognize her sleepy cry. Some people got to meet Meredith, but not many.

And then this today. A note. Sent from a sister of a friend. Telling me that they continue to pray for us and that Meredith is not forgotten! I don't think I've ever met her, but today this note is delivered by our letter carrier. A kind gesture on her part is exactly what I needed. I'm guessing she didn't know...but God does. I know this to be his grace to me. Exactly what  I needed when I needed it the most.

And so I open my mind and allow recollection of God's grace to me. Friends who call me and check in. A few people who were more peripheral before, now much more present. People who ask me about Meredith and invite me to talk about her, ask questions...not just waiting for me to bring her up.

So, I ask for prayers. For my willingness to put down the walls and open up to seeing, really seeing, each and every day, God's grace and mercy, bringing me hope and peace. In that way, feel unmistakably, his love for me. This is as necessary as breathing.

Thanks for listening!