Mother's Day

I've never been a big fan of Mother's Day.

There are quite a few reasons, but mostly because I don't see the point in being honored for something that is my job. A job that I asked for- actually prayed about for years. I could go on and on about it, but the bottom line is, I hope and pray to be a mom that Joel honors throughout the year because he wants to...not just on one day designated on a calendar. These are not new thoughts on Mothers Day. They have been my thoughts long before I became a mother.

And yet...no matter what I wrote above...it truly is a day I look forwad to.

Because it means that I am a mom. And, I love being a mom! It is the greatest job I've ever had.

And this year...it hurts.

Joel was so cute this morning. He said he put his tie on this morning so that he could look handsome for me today! And he did!  He had a couple gifts for me in his backpack and I was told clearly not to go into one compartment in his backpack on Friday. As curious as I was...I didn't. The wait was so worth it! He made a book about me that was so sweet, it brought tears to my eyes. I was surprised to learn, as I'm sure you will be too, that I weigh 30 lbs and am 20 feet tall!

Joel is such a joy and I am so grateful for him.

At the same time, I miss sweet Meredith. I miss her warmth and all the wonder a mom experiences watching a little one grow and develop. What would she be doing now? What personality characteristics would be shining through? What would her laugh sound like?

Mother's Day at church is something I was not up for today. In the past few years, they've toned it down a bit, which I like. At the same time, I'm just not in a place today for all the smiles about how great Mother's Day is. It is truly a bittersweet day for me.

My birthday was yesterday, and it was a good day. Time with friends and with Merwyn. I asked Merwyn to buy a necklace created for mom's whose little ones had died.

Meredith is in heaven with Jesus. She is loved more than I could ever love her. She has no more tears, or pain or difficulty. It is good for her.

I just miss her.

April 28, 2009

I'm just remembering one year ago today...our 20 week ultrasound revealed a hole in baby's heart- an AVSD, very common in little ones with Down syndrome. It was a tough day, and the next when we had our amniocentesis. It was confirmed on 4/29 that we had a little girl, and the Down syndrome confirmed on 4/30.

My only regret, beyond wishing I'd taken Meredith to Children's rather than you know where on 10/9, was that I allowed her diagnosis to affect my enjoyment of my pregnancy and my joy for the next 5 months. I prayed that these feelings would disappear once she was born and I thank God that they did. I so enjoyed and loved my little girl for those 24 days. A bit of heaven on earth.

Raspberry bushes

Thursday I was in the ophthalmologist's waiting room with Joel. He was playing with his Lego's. I was...I don't know where. Out of my reverie I hear Joel's voice say, "Why do you have that sad look on your face?" I was surprised...I didn't realize. I don't even remember what in particular I was thinking about actually, or why my face looked sad. I told him, "I guess I'm thinking some sad thoughts, Joel". That satisfied him, amazingly.

In no way do I expect this grief process to end quickly, certainly not anytime soon. A benefit of my work is that I know it can, and likely will be, a long process that will permeate every aspect of my life for quite a while. Living it though, is a different experience.

Yesterday, we began to take our raspberry bushes out. We're having work done on our family room and "demo" begins tomorrow. I bought two ceramic pots to put some bushes in. Two neighbors took a few. We'd only removed about half and were leaving the rest to be destroyed.

Last night, this morning, throughout today, I kept thinking about those remaining bushes. Perfectly good bushes. It just seemed wrong.

We had a particularly long day at church today, but afterwards, I told Merwyn that I couldn't just let those bushes die. We went out, found another pot and dug out some more. I made a phone call and had someone else coming over to get some to take home.

They're just bushes, aren't they?

This is living with grief. With loss. Not wanting anything ELSE to die unnecessarily. I kept telling myself they were just bushes. More would grow. I couldn't convince myself not to do something about it though. Not after losing her.

It surprises me how very much Meredith is on my mind. Remembering time with her. Remembering our hopes and dreams for her. Processing and questioning our loss of her. There are lots of questions. All with no answers. My thoughts take me to warm places and cold/hard places. Places that show the cracks in my faith. Places where my vulnerabilities are apparent.

Cracks and vulnerabilities. Processing grief, or trauma or anything really that causes pain, strips away facades or masks that we take on as we go through life. Ways of making life work. That perhaps really don't.

There is someone out there though who takes advantage of these times. Someone who prowls around, looking for someone to devour. He enjoys vulnerabilities.

Someone who is the father of liars. He takes our hurts and questions, our doubts and capitalizes on them. He is a tempter who leads our minds to the places of his dark world.

We should all expect him. We shouldn't tolerate him though. I will not tolerate him.

This Thursday, I begin "healing prayer" with someone seasoned in doing this battle. I begin with one simple statement, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24b).

On the other side is freedom. Perhaps redemption. Meredith can't come back. I will see her again. In the meantime I remain here on earth. I'd go to her now. Joel keeps me wanting to be here. Losing mommy is tough on a kiddo.

This is what I know: "You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one that is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." (1John 4:4) and "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).

This is not my battle. It is the Lord's. He never leaves me. Even when it feels like he has. Feeling is not reality. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." (2 Chronicles 20:17).

Truth is, I am not afraid.

And, I'd appreciate your prayers.

Wendy

Offered Grace

"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."  Hebrews 12:14-15

What follows is my letter to the doctor who wrote Meredith's prescription wrong. It is going out into the mail today. Names have been removed. Please pray for God's purposes for her as she reads it.


Dr. _________,

You and I have never met. Perhaps you were in the clump of doctors and nurses that I saw pass by my daughters room in G-pod the morning of October 10th. I do know that your name and signature are all over my daughter’s medical record. I am Wendy Essenburg, Meredith Essenburg's mom.

Meredith was our miracle. All babies are miracles, but our story in particular needed a miracle. In January of 2009, we discovered we were pregnant. With tempered joy, we prayed that this pregnancy would be carried to full term. You see, since my son's birth in March of 2004, we have had 4 miscarriages. Further, 4 fertility treatments were attempted and failed. We even walked down the adoption road twice, but didn't feel the Lord's open door. In the fall of 2008, we were working hard on letting go of our dream of a second child to love. The missing piece to our family.

We hadn't had a pregnancy since March of 2007, so this pregnancy in January 09, without any medical intervention to a 43 year old woman, was a miracle to us. We told a few others, to have a prayer team. Another miracle- on March 6th, we heard a heartbeat...this pregnancy was viable! With great joy on our son's birthday, March 7th, we told our family assembled for his birthday party.

Our ultrasound on April 28th revealed a heart defect common in kiddo's with Down syndrome and the next day DS was confirmed via amniocentesis. Hard news to take. Every parent wants their little one to be 100% healthy. At the same time, we knew that this baby, now known to be a girl, was created perfectly by our Father in Heaven. We knew, as it says in Psalm 139, that she was knit by God in my womb. We praised God because she was fearfully and wonderfully made. God does not make mistakes. Even when we felt saddened by her diagnosis, we knew that God had an awesome plan for Meredith and for us as her parents. We knew without a doubt that God would use Meredith to advance his Kingdom and that is what carried us the next 5 months.

On September 16, Meredith was born. In a hurry to arrive, she was born in triage and taken immediately to the NICU at (first hospital), due to her need for oxygen. Approximately 3 hours later I was able to see her for the first time. When I looked at Meredith's precious face, so much like her brothers face when he was born, all angst, anger and bad feelings about her DS disappeared. It is what I had prayed for and know, because I know the condition of my heart, that only the Lord could have accomplished this miracle in my heart. I loved her instantly, unconditionally and passionately. Just as she deserved.

While I went home without her, Meredith was never, ever out of my thoughts. We did whatever the doctors and nurses at (first hospital) told us to do. I came to the hospital 2x a day to be with her and perform what care I could. We tried many different suggested ways to feed Meredith through her sleepiness. I talked several times with the lactation consultants there. We learned to tube feed. I learned to insert a feeding tube. All we wanted was to bring our sweet girl home. What a joy the day we did…and what sadness 2 days later when she had to return, but this time to (second hospital). The trauma and drama of that Friday was forgotten the next day, Saturday October 10th, when I spent an amazing 6.5 hours with Meredith. She ate, 100% from a bottle. Her fever was down. She was more comfortable. We napped together. I left her room at 4:35pm so excited that Meredith was improving. So warm from our special day together, looking forward to doing the same thing the next day. At about 7pm that evening, just 2.5 hours after I left Meredith, we were called back to the hospital after being told on the phone that "your daughter is in critical condition".

After 24 days of life, Meredith was dead. If I had known that there was danger at (second hospital), I would not have taken her there. If I had known that blind faith in the medical community was unwarranted, I would have been much more active and involved in Meredith's care. If I had known… But God knew. And God allowed you, Dr. ________, to write the prescription incorrectly, and the pharmacist and three nurses to bypass what I have been told is standard protocol, resulting in the administration of three Digoxin overdoses. I don't know why. God's ways are not our ways.

I do know that the miracles of Meredith however, did not end when she died, because, God has placed in my heart forgiveness. I know this is a miracle because I know the condition of my heart. Despite this condition, God has filled me with forgiveness and compassion for you, Dr. ________. I consider it a gift to me as well, since grieving is hard enough without the additional burden of bitterness and anger. I don't know if you want this forgiveness, but here it is regardless. I don't know the condition of your heart, but I do know that I would want it if I was in your position.

It is a great irony to me that the day I came home from the hospital after Meredith was born- she remained at the (first hospital) NICU- I read an article in my Good Housekeeping magazine about Sorrel King whose daughter Josie died at Johns Hopkins, due to medical error. I thought at the time that it was a very sad story, but in no way became alarmed or thought that it had any relevance for me. A short 22 days later, my vantage point was different. "Josie's Story", written by Sorrel King, is a book I highly recommend any medical professional read (www.josieking.org), and it's a recommendation I make to you.

October 10th, the day Meredith died, was 6 months ago today. Meredith is ever on my mind. I think about the time I spent with her. I think about the future we thought we had with her. I think about the events the night of her death, and the subsequent revelations of why she died. Our hurts and struggles will last quite a while…a testimony to the fact that she died, as well as how very much we loved her.

You have taken on a job that requires much knowledge, skill and expertise. We, as the general public, place a great deal of faith in doctors and the medical profession. It is a sacred trust when a parent hands her child over. Clearly no one in the medical profession intends to harm their patients, especially a helpless and sick baby. I imagine, Dr. _______, that you have been greatly impacted by Meredith's death. I hope that you are receiving support through this and pray that this serves to propel and compel you towards excellence in caring for the physical well-being of the children with whom you work.

I pray, Dr. ________, that you never, ever, forget our Meredith Rose, and I pray the grace, mercy and peace of Jesus be with you.

Wendy Essenburg, Meredith's mommy

Haunted

My mind is not my own.

It is full of images, pictures, dates, dashed hopes and dreams.

I so wish that it would all disappear. I wish I didn't remember that Saturday was the 6 month anniversary. I wish that so many "this time last year" memories would just disappear.

The pregnancy was so wanted. The desire for a second child so great. The longing to have that missing piece to our family puzzle finally in place. I wish it didn't hurt to see babies and pregnant women.

The memories of my time with Meredith are so sweet, and yet at the same time, painful. Remembering is warm but also a reminder of what is now gone. Such a short time to feel settled. A short time to have all the questions finally disappear. Now returned.

No answers come. No insight achieved.

What I have left is simply hope. Hope to sustain and grow me. Change me. Renew me. Looking to run. Wanting to soar. Willing to walk.

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Suffering and Joy

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. 11If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
1 Peter 4:10-11

Last Sunday I returned home from my week in Haiti. I walked through familiar rooms and drove familiar roads, but that now include new faces, places, experiences. These images flood my mind as I think quite frequently about the Haitian people.

The Haitian people do not have an easy life. There is great poverty, 80% unemployment rate, hungry tummies and more. They don't appear to have had a government that has been effective and even the UN, present for 3 years has not made life any better for them. Many people who visit Haiti talk of being struck by the immense differences b/w their lack and our much here in the US. Yes, I saw that too. What caused me the most angst though, is my observation that the people of Haiti don't believe that they "can". Can have an impact or effect on their own lives. They have a great "learned helplessness" and a great dependence. I don't know much about their history, but I suspect that generations under a dictator controlling their their existance has created this sense of extraordinary dependence.

I sat for 5 days listening to stories of pain, fear, grief and sadness. I heard about loved ones lost in the earthquake, of uprooted families overcrowding the homes of other members, of sleeping outside in tents or under tarps for fear that another earthquake will come and bring their concrete houses down. People told me about headaches, worry, racing hearts and difficulty sleeping. I looked into eyes that, for the most part, refused to cry while at the same time lacked life in their depths.

No one goes on a trip like this unless they are called. I am certain God called me to go for a variety of reasons, but mostly because on my own I would not have gone at this time in my life. As I said to someone on the trip, the timing of this call was a surprise to me as I am in the midst of grieving the loss of my sweet Meredith. I still don't know why, but I trust that God's purposes will be revealed in His time. There were moments though, on the occasions I was moved to share my loss with a Haitian sitting with me, that I saw eyes truly look at me.

There are many differences between us and people of different cultures and countries. There are many differences between us and the Haitian people. And yet, there are similarities. Suffering is suffering, whether it's over the loss of a child in an earthquake or the loss of a child in a suburban hospital. Suffering is suffering, whether it's the loss of your home to earthquake or the loss of your home to foreclosure. Suffering is suffering. At the same time, joy is joy. The joy on little one's faces during a fun game is the same in the US and in Haiti. The joy on a mom's face when she has the resources to care for her child. Joy is joy. All evidence that we need a Savior..."I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
John 10:10b.

This was a tough trip in that I didn't always have my private time to grieve. I'm grateful for the permission I have to grieve, as the Haitian people don't seem to feel that. I'm grateful for my two roomies who cared for me through my difficult times. I'm grateful to the people who talked to me about Meredith. Not everyone wants to. Or they're afraid to.

What an tremendous group of people with whom I went on this trip. All passionate about their purpose for being there, in each's own way. I came to a deeper knowing of people I've known for a while. Acquaintences grew into friends. And faces that were strangers before March 7 are now friends. We all share a unique experience and this binds us together. It's amazing how people from different backgrounds, from different generations can become friends. This is the work of God.

So many moments to remember from Haiti. Our evening in the "Tent City", the 15 year old girl (who looked 10) who thought I wanted to bring her to the US with me and her dad who seemed ready to hand her over to me. The aunt, now charged with the task of raising her 4 nieces after her sister and their parents died in the earthquake.

And of course, many moments to laugh and enjoy. For example, did you hear the one about the chicken? Ok, no lie...a chicken jumped on my head. His friend jumped on the back of my chair. Some sort of chicken conflict I guess. I wish we had pictures and so does Joel! We had a relaxing and beautiful afternoon at the beach. It's hard to remember that Haiti is a Caribean nation. It was beautiful! We also had many nice, relaxing evenings where we were staying...playing cards, debriefing, talking. Then there was my interpreter Roosevelt. He added to what I was saying. He didn't tell them everything I said. He spent the week trying to sell his art to me. Ah Roosevelt.

I came to know the Haitian people as kind, friendly and grateful. There is much deprivation in their homeland, but there were also smiles for us. People ask me if I'll go back. I don't know. I don't know what God has in store for me. Would I go? Yes, if called. Who am I to turn God down?

March 26...facing the music

How can this be? How can a hospital with this hospitals reputation be such a mess? How could so much go wrong? No, how could so much be wrong?!

I asked a friend who is a Nurse Practioner to review Meredith's medical file for me. I wanted to find out which nurse gave Meredith the lethal dose of medication.

Shelly spent hours pouring over Meredith's file and used words such as "heartbreaking". Which nurse administered the lethal dose? All of them. Meredith received 3 doses of medication. All doses, by 3 different nurses, were overdoses. No nurse checked the dose against Meredith's weight in a particular book that is used in all Children's Units. Checking prescriptions against this book is protocol. I heard that from Shelly and we've heard it from other nurses as well.

What else? Lab work was to be done before the second dose was administered. This is protocol. The bloodwork sent to the lab could not be tested. The nurse did not send another sample. She just administered the second dose.

Are you ready for more? The doctor who incorrectly wrote the prescription was a resident. Based on information Shelly found, she appears to have been 1.5 years out of medical school. Her time in the NICU was probably at 9 days when she wrote the prescription(due to a rotation schedule I didn't quite get). There is no evidence that anyone was supervising her- no Fellow, no Attending, no Neonatologist. Without a second thought, they allowed a green doctor to prescribe a medication that is not common in the NICU. My daughter is dead and I can only guess the impact on this young doctor.

When the Michigan licensing website is checked, noone has received any disciplinary action. Nothing.

If one nurse had followed protocol, my sweet Meredith would be alive. It would have taken just one. If one doctor with more experience had supervised this green doctor, my daughter would be sleeping in her bed right now. Any sleepless nights would be to take care of her, not my mind racing with whys and hows. I wouldn't be avoiding opening a closet door full of clothes. I wouldn't be wondering about what to do with all the items we purchased for her, including cloth diapers, dresser, and on and on. People wouldn't be avoiding me and avoiding talking about Meredith. So much unraveling because they didn't do their jobs.

March 26 at 1:00pm we meet with the head of patient safety, the head of the children's hospital and the head of the NICU. I have also asked that the head of nursing for the NICU be present. I can't even imagine how this meeting will go.