Living in the "and"

Where is this strange place, between two worlds. A world, where two potentially opposing realities exist at the same time. Of the many sweet, loving, kind, encouraging and gracious messages I received on Meredith's birthday, one kept jumping up at me and hitting me b/w the eyes. These were words about how great it is that Meredith gets to spend her birthday with Jesus.

Heres' what goes on in my head:

Well, yes it is. That IS great for Meredith!

But, it doesn't feel great to me. I want her here eating cake (a much nicer one by the way, than the simple heart shaped one I busted out on her birthday. It was the best I could do though...ever make a cake while sobbing? Not recommended!).

Well, that's selfish. Every mom should want her little one to be where there is no pain or tears or bad stuff.

I do want it...and I don't.

It's the and.

Heaven is a great place, a perfect place and I'm certain Meredith is perfectly happy there.

and

I want her here. With me.

Oh! But give me something to ponder and look out. There's more.

Throughout this past year, I have seen how rock solid my faith is

and

how much my faith has been rocked as I try to make sense of something that just doesn't.

 Thank God for Mark 9:24b, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" 

I laugh and joke and smile and enjoy

and

I feel so terribly sad.

I look around a new and pretty cool family room

and

remember how it was financed.

I'm fine
and
I'm not

Never before have I felt so much desire to be in heaven, to be with Meredith and away from all the heartache

and

my desire is equal to be here on earth, enjoying Joel- not wanting him to have the pain of losing his mommy.

everything is the same

and

everything is different.

Between two worlds. Living in the and.

Fortunately, I'm not left there alone. Relief, both in heart and mind, are slow in coming. I do believe the promise though that my God is with me always (Matthew 28:20).

I had intended posting on Meredith's birthday, but I just couldn't. Hard enough making the cake! I spoke much to her that day. I spoke quite a bit to God. I know I will see Meredith again some day.

It's the waiting that's hard.

Much love

W

"Meredith is not forgotten!"

I haven't been here in a while. I haven't had anything new to say. I've thought about writing, but it would be more of the same. Life in my head is stuck. Stuck on October 10. In my minds eye, the calendar is colorless after October 10th. Dull. Gray. I know that things have changed, that life has gone on. I see it. Joel is completing his kindergarten year. He's taller. He now reads so well. He's obsessed with Star Wars-never saw that coming! I went to Haiti. We are adding onto our family room and I'm in the midst of choosing paint and carpeting, etc. We've gone from Fall, to Winter, to Spring and now summer. The world has moved. My world has moved. I've gone along with it. But my mind hasn't.

It's gotten harder lately. I remember so vividly last summer, our camping and vacations. My discomfort as my tummy grew. My hurt that Meredith had Down syndrome. The conflict in my heart as she moved within me. Oh, how I wish I could go back to that conflict! The fact that she had DS was the biggest deal to me then. So minor now. The run up to our anniversaries is coming- her birth and her death. My anticipation of that is growing.

There are so many times I sit awestruck by the fact that my child died. And, in such a horrible way. Really? That happened to me? It's not just a Lifetime movie? I am often blown away by the fact that it took 5 people to kill her. 5 different people doing their jobs incorrectly. It only took one of these 5 to do his/her job right, and Meredith would be with us. What an extraordinary event. 5 people. So hard to grasp.

So much has changed. Some friends are no longer integral to my life. I spend a lot of time wondering why. Do they think it's contagious or are afraid? Was it more convenient, easy before? Or, was I really the one keeping it going and now, I don't have the energy or motivation.

I'm stuck. On  Sunday, Joel said, "It's not fair. Why do others get to keep their babies but not us?!" I can't even count the times I've thought that very same thing. This is my trouble with God. Our Pastor, in every interaction says he is praying for me only the gifts that God can give...His grace, mercy, peace and hope. I know his gifts are around me, but I've been resistant to seeing them. I want her. That's the gift I want.  I don't want to see the other gifts because they aren't what I really want.

I was thinking over the last couple days about how I never wanted Meredith to be forgotten, how I wished others knew her like I do, and that others got to meet her. I didn't know everything about her, but I knew her. I still remember so clearly those beautiful eyes looking right into mine. I remember the aha moment when I was beginning to recognize her sleepy cry. Some people got to meet Meredith, but not many.

And then this today. A note. Sent from a sister of a friend. Telling me that they continue to pray for us and that Meredith is not forgotten! I don't think I've ever met her, but today this note is delivered by our letter carrier. A kind gesture on her part is exactly what I needed. I'm guessing she didn't know...but God does. I know this to be his grace to me. Exactly what  I needed when I needed it the most.

And so I open my mind and allow recollection of God's grace to me. Friends who call me and check in. A few people who were more peripheral before, now much more present. People who ask me about Meredith and invite me to talk about her, ask questions...not just waiting for me to bring her up.

So, I ask for prayers. For my willingness to put down the walls and open up to seeing, really seeing, each and every day, God's grace and mercy, bringing me hope and peace. In that way, feel unmistakably, his love for me. This is as necessary as breathing.

Thanks for listening!

Mother's Day

I've never been a big fan of Mother's Day.

There are quite a few reasons, but mostly because I don't see the point in being honored for something that is my job. A job that I asked for- actually prayed about for years. I could go on and on about it, but the bottom line is, I hope and pray to be a mom that Joel honors throughout the year because he wants to...not just on one day designated on a calendar. These are not new thoughts on Mothers Day. They have been my thoughts long before I became a mother.

And yet...no matter what I wrote above...it truly is a day I look forwad to.

Because it means that I am a mom. And, I love being a mom! It is the greatest job I've ever had.

And this year...it hurts.

Joel was so cute this morning. He said he put his tie on this morning so that he could look handsome for me today! And he did!  He had a couple gifts for me in his backpack and I was told clearly not to go into one compartment in his backpack on Friday. As curious as I was...I didn't. The wait was so worth it! He made a book about me that was so sweet, it brought tears to my eyes. I was surprised to learn, as I'm sure you will be too, that I weigh 30 lbs and am 20 feet tall!

Joel is such a joy and I am so grateful for him.

At the same time, I miss sweet Meredith. I miss her warmth and all the wonder a mom experiences watching a little one grow and develop. What would she be doing now? What personality characteristics would be shining through? What would her laugh sound like?

Mother's Day at church is something I was not up for today. In the past few years, they've toned it down a bit, which I like. At the same time, I'm just not in a place today for all the smiles about how great Mother's Day is. It is truly a bittersweet day for me.

My birthday was yesterday, and it was a good day. Time with friends and with Merwyn. I asked Merwyn to buy a necklace created for mom's whose little ones had died.

Meredith is in heaven with Jesus. She is loved more than I could ever love her. She has no more tears, or pain or difficulty. It is good for her.

I just miss her.

April 28, 2009

I'm just remembering one year ago today...our 20 week ultrasound revealed a hole in baby's heart- an AVSD, very common in little ones with Down syndrome. It was a tough day, and the next when we had our amniocentesis. It was confirmed on 4/29 that we had a little girl, and the Down syndrome confirmed on 4/30.

My only regret, beyond wishing I'd taken Meredith to Children's rather than you know where on 10/9, was that I allowed her diagnosis to affect my enjoyment of my pregnancy and my joy for the next 5 months. I prayed that these feelings would disappear once she was born and I thank God that they did. I so enjoyed and loved my little girl for those 24 days. A bit of heaven on earth.

Raspberry bushes

Thursday I was in the ophthalmologist's waiting room with Joel. He was playing with his Lego's. I was...I don't know where. Out of my reverie I hear Joel's voice say, "Why do you have that sad look on your face?" I was surprised...I didn't realize. I don't even remember what in particular I was thinking about actually, or why my face looked sad. I told him, "I guess I'm thinking some sad thoughts, Joel". That satisfied him, amazingly.

In no way do I expect this grief process to end quickly, certainly not anytime soon. A benefit of my work is that I know it can, and likely will be, a long process that will permeate every aspect of my life for quite a while. Living it though, is a different experience.

Yesterday, we began to take our raspberry bushes out. We're having work done on our family room and "demo" begins tomorrow. I bought two ceramic pots to put some bushes in. Two neighbors took a few. We'd only removed about half and were leaving the rest to be destroyed.

Last night, this morning, throughout today, I kept thinking about those remaining bushes. Perfectly good bushes. It just seemed wrong.

We had a particularly long day at church today, but afterwards, I told Merwyn that I couldn't just let those bushes die. We went out, found another pot and dug out some more. I made a phone call and had someone else coming over to get some to take home.

They're just bushes, aren't they?

This is living with grief. With loss. Not wanting anything ELSE to die unnecessarily. I kept telling myself they were just bushes. More would grow. I couldn't convince myself not to do something about it though. Not after losing her.

It surprises me how very much Meredith is on my mind. Remembering time with her. Remembering our hopes and dreams for her. Processing and questioning our loss of her. There are lots of questions. All with no answers. My thoughts take me to warm places and cold/hard places. Places that show the cracks in my faith. Places where my vulnerabilities are apparent.

Cracks and vulnerabilities. Processing grief, or trauma or anything really that causes pain, strips away facades or masks that we take on as we go through life. Ways of making life work. That perhaps really don't.

There is someone out there though who takes advantage of these times. Someone who prowls around, looking for someone to devour. He enjoys vulnerabilities.

Someone who is the father of liars. He takes our hurts and questions, our doubts and capitalizes on them. He is a tempter who leads our minds to the places of his dark world.

We should all expect him. We shouldn't tolerate him though. I will not tolerate him.

This Thursday, I begin "healing prayer" with someone seasoned in doing this battle. I begin with one simple statement, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24b).

On the other side is freedom. Perhaps redemption. Meredith can't come back. I will see her again. In the meantime I remain here on earth. I'd go to her now. Joel keeps me wanting to be here. Losing mommy is tough on a kiddo.

This is what I know: "You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one that is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." (1John 4:4) and "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).

This is not my battle. It is the Lord's. He never leaves me. Even when it feels like he has. Feeling is not reality. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." (2 Chronicles 20:17).

Truth is, I am not afraid.

And, I'd appreciate your prayers.

Wendy

Offered Grace

"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."  Hebrews 12:14-15

What follows is my letter to the doctor who wrote Meredith's prescription wrong. It is going out into the mail today. Names have been removed. Please pray for God's purposes for her as she reads it.


Dr. _________,

You and I have never met. Perhaps you were in the clump of doctors and nurses that I saw pass by my daughters room in G-pod the morning of October 10th. I do know that your name and signature are all over my daughter’s medical record. I am Wendy Essenburg, Meredith Essenburg's mom.

Meredith was our miracle. All babies are miracles, but our story in particular needed a miracle. In January of 2009, we discovered we were pregnant. With tempered joy, we prayed that this pregnancy would be carried to full term. You see, since my son's birth in March of 2004, we have had 4 miscarriages. Further, 4 fertility treatments were attempted and failed. We even walked down the adoption road twice, but didn't feel the Lord's open door. In the fall of 2008, we were working hard on letting go of our dream of a second child to love. The missing piece to our family.

We hadn't had a pregnancy since March of 2007, so this pregnancy in January 09, without any medical intervention to a 43 year old woman, was a miracle to us. We told a few others, to have a prayer team. Another miracle- on March 6th, we heard a heartbeat...this pregnancy was viable! With great joy on our son's birthday, March 7th, we told our family assembled for his birthday party.

Our ultrasound on April 28th revealed a heart defect common in kiddo's with Down syndrome and the next day DS was confirmed via amniocentesis. Hard news to take. Every parent wants their little one to be 100% healthy. At the same time, we knew that this baby, now known to be a girl, was created perfectly by our Father in Heaven. We knew, as it says in Psalm 139, that she was knit by God in my womb. We praised God because she was fearfully and wonderfully made. God does not make mistakes. Even when we felt saddened by her diagnosis, we knew that God had an awesome plan for Meredith and for us as her parents. We knew without a doubt that God would use Meredith to advance his Kingdom and that is what carried us the next 5 months.

On September 16, Meredith was born. In a hurry to arrive, she was born in triage and taken immediately to the NICU at (first hospital), due to her need for oxygen. Approximately 3 hours later I was able to see her for the first time. When I looked at Meredith's precious face, so much like her brothers face when he was born, all angst, anger and bad feelings about her DS disappeared. It is what I had prayed for and know, because I know the condition of my heart, that only the Lord could have accomplished this miracle in my heart. I loved her instantly, unconditionally and passionately. Just as she deserved.

While I went home without her, Meredith was never, ever out of my thoughts. We did whatever the doctors and nurses at (first hospital) told us to do. I came to the hospital 2x a day to be with her and perform what care I could. We tried many different suggested ways to feed Meredith through her sleepiness. I talked several times with the lactation consultants there. We learned to tube feed. I learned to insert a feeding tube. All we wanted was to bring our sweet girl home. What a joy the day we did…and what sadness 2 days later when she had to return, but this time to (second hospital). The trauma and drama of that Friday was forgotten the next day, Saturday October 10th, when I spent an amazing 6.5 hours with Meredith. She ate, 100% from a bottle. Her fever was down. She was more comfortable. We napped together. I left her room at 4:35pm so excited that Meredith was improving. So warm from our special day together, looking forward to doing the same thing the next day. At about 7pm that evening, just 2.5 hours after I left Meredith, we were called back to the hospital after being told on the phone that "your daughter is in critical condition".

After 24 days of life, Meredith was dead. If I had known that there was danger at (second hospital), I would not have taken her there. If I had known that blind faith in the medical community was unwarranted, I would have been much more active and involved in Meredith's care. If I had known… But God knew. And God allowed you, Dr. ________, to write the prescription incorrectly, and the pharmacist and three nurses to bypass what I have been told is standard protocol, resulting in the administration of three Digoxin overdoses. I don't know why. God's ways are not our ways.

I do know that the miracles of Meredith however, did not end when she died, because, God has placed in my heart forgiveness. I know this is a miracle because I know the condition of my heart. Despite this condition, God has filled me with forgiveness and compassion for you, Dr. ________. I consider it a gift to me as well, since grieving is hard enough without the additional burden of bitterness and anger. I don't know if you want this forgiveness, but here it is regardless. I don't know the condition of your heart, but I do know that I would want it if I was in your position.

It is a great irony to me that the day I came home from the hospital after Meredith was born- she remained at the (first hospital) NICU- I read an article in my Good Housekeeping magazine about Sorrel King whose daughter Josie died at Johns Hopkins, due to medical error. I thought at the time that it was a very sad story, but in no way became alarmed or thought that it had any relevance for me. A short 22 days later, my vantage point was different. "Josie's Story", written by Sorrel King, is a book I highly recommend any medical professional read (www.josieking.org), and it's a recommendation I make to you.

October 10th, the day Meredith died, was 6 months ago today. Meredith is ever on my mind. I think about the time I spent with her. I think about the future we thought we had with her. I think about the events the night of her death, and the subsequent revelations of why she died. Our hurts and struggles will last quite a while…a testimony to the fact that she died, as well as how very much we loved her.

You have taken on a job that requires much knowledge, skill and expertise. We, as the general public, place a great deal of faith in doctors and the medical profession. It is a sacred trust when a parent hands her child over. Clearly no one in the medical profession intends to harm their patients, especially a helpless and sick baby. I imagine, Dr. _______, that you have been greatly impacted by Meredith's death. I hope that you are receiving support through this and pray that this serves to propel and compel you towards excellence in caring for the physical well-being of the children with whom you work.

I pray, Dr. ________, that you never, ever, forget our Meredith Rose, and I pray the grace, mercy and peace of Jesus be with you.

Wendy Essenburg, Meredith's mommy

Haunted

My mind is not my own.

It is full of images, pictures, dates, dashed hopes and dreams.

I so wish that it would all disappear. I wish I didn't remember that Saturday was the 6 month anniversary. I wish that so many "this time last year" memories would just disappear.

The pregnancy was so wanted. The desire for a second child so great. The longing to have that missing piece to our family puzzle finally in place. I wish it didn't hurt to see babies and pregnant women.

The memories of my time with Meredith are so sweet, and yet at the same time, painful. Remembering is warm but also a reminder of what is now gone. Such a short time to feel settled. A short time to have all the questions finally disappear. Now returned.

No answers come. No insight achieved.

What I have left is simply hope. Hope to sustain and grow me. Change me. Renew me. Looking to run. Wanting to soar. Willing to walk.

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Suffering and Joy

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. 11If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
1 Peter 4:10-11

Last Sunday I returned home from my week in Haiti. I walked through familiar rooms and drove familiar roads, but that now include new faces, places, experiences. These images flood my mind as I think quite frequently about the Haitian people.

The Haitian people do not have an easy life. There is great poverty, 80% unemployment rate, hungry tummies and more. They don't appear to have had a government that has been effective and even the UN, present for 3 years has not made life any better for them. Many people who visit Haiti talk of being struck by the immense differences b/w their lack and our much here in the US. Yes, I saw that too. What caused me the most angst though, is my observation that the people of Haiti don't believe that they "can". Can have an impact or effect on their own lives. They have a great "learned helplessness" and a great dependence. I don't know much about their history, but I suspect that generations under a dictator controlling their their existance has created this sense of extraordinary dependence.

I sat for 5 days listening to stories of pain, fear, grief and sadness. I heard about loved ones lost in the earthquake, of uprooted families overcrowding the homes of other members, of sleeping outside in tents or under tarps for fear that another earthquake will come and bring their concrete houses down. People told me about headaches, worry, racing hearts and difficulty sleeping. I looked into eyes that, for the most part, refused to cry while at the same time lacked life in their depths.

No one goes on a trip like this unless they are called. I am certain God called me to go for a variety of reasons, but mostly because on my own I would not have gone at this time in my life. As I said to someone on the trip, the timing of this call was a surprise to me as I am in the midst of grieving the loss of my sweet Meredith. I still don't know why, but I trust that God's purposes will be revealed in His time. There were moments though, on the occasions I was moved to share my loss with a Haitian sitting with me, that I saw eyes truly look at me.

There are many differences between us and people of different cultures and countries. There are many differences between us and the Haitian people. And yet, there are similarities. Suffering is suffering, whether it's over the loss of a child in an earthquake or the loss of a child in a suburban hospital. Suffering is suffering, whether it's the loss of your home to earthquake or the loss of your home to foreclosure. Suffering is suffering. At the same time, joy is joy. The joy on little one's faces during a fun game is the same in the US and in Haiti. The joy on a mom's face when she has the resources to care for her child. Joy is joy. All evidence that we need a Savior..."I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
John 10:10b.

This was a tough trip in that I didn't always have my private time to grieve. I'm grateful for the permission I have to grieve, as the Haitian people don't seem to feel that. I'm grateful for my two roomies who cared for me through my difficult times. I'm grateful to the people who talked to me about Meredith. Not everyone wants to. Or they're afraid to.

What an tremendous group of people with whom I went on this trip. All passionate about their purpose for being there, in each's own way. I came to a deeper knowing of people I've known for a while. Acquaintences grew into friends. And faces that were strangers before March 7 are now friends. We all share a unique experience and this binds us together. It's amazing how people from different backgrounds, from different generations can become friends. This is the work of God.

So many moments to remember from Haiti. Our evening in the "Tent City", the 15 year old girl (who looked 10) who thought I wanted to bring her to the US with me and her dad who seemed ready to hand her over to me. The aunt, now charged with the task of raising her 4 nieces after her sister and their parents died in the earthquake.

And of course, many moments to laugh and enjoy. For example, did you hear the one about the chicken? Ok, no lie...a chicken jumped on my head. His friend jumped on the back of my chair. Some sort of chicken conflict I guess. I wish we had pictures and so does Joel! We had a relaxing and beautiful afternoon at the beach. It's hard to remember that Haiti is a Caribean nation. It was beautiful! We also had many nice, relaxing evenings where we were staying...playing cards, debriefing, talking. Then there was my interpreter Roosevelt. He added to what I was saying. He didn't tell them everything I said. He spent the week trying to sell his art to me. Ah Roosevelt.

I came to know the Haitian people as kind, friendly and grateful. There is much deprivation in their homeland, but there were also smiles for us. People ask me if I'll go back. I don't know. I don't know what God has in store for me. Would I go? Yes, if called. Who am I to turn God down?

March 26...facing the music

How can this be? How can a hospital with this hospitals reputation be such a mess? How could so much go wrong? No, how could so much be wrong?!

I asked a friend who is a Nurse Practioner to review Meredith's medical file for me. I wanted to find out which nurse gave Meredith the lethal dose of medication.

Shelly spent hours pouring over Meredith's file and used words such as "heartbreaking". Which nurse administered the lethal dose? All of them. Meredith received 3 doses of medication. All doses, by 3 different nurses, were overdoses. No nurse checked the dose against Meredith's weight in a particular book that is used in all Children's Units. Checking prescriptions against this book is protocol. I heard that from Shelly and we've heard it from other nurses as well.

What else? Lab work was to be done before the second dose was administered. This is protocol. The bloodwork sent to the lab could not be tested. The nurse did not send another sample. She just administered the second dose.

Are you ready for more? The doctor who incorrectly wrote the prescription was a resident. Based on information Shelly found, she appears to have been 1.5 years out of medical school. Her time in the NICU was probably at 9 days when she wrote the prescription(due to a rotation schedule I didn't quite get). There is no evidence that anyone was supervising her- no Fellow, no Attending, no Neonatologist. Without a second thought, they allowed a green doctor to prescribe a medication that is not common in the NICU. My daughter is dead and I can only guess the impact on this young doctor.

When the Michigan licensing website is checked, noone has received any disciplinary action. Nothing.

If one nurse had followed protocol, my sweet Meredith would be alive. It would have taken just one. If one doctor with more experience had supervised this green doctor, my daughter would be sleeping in her bed right now. Any sleepless nights would be to take care of her, not my mind racing with whys and hows. I wouldn't be avoiding opening a closet door full of clothes. I wouldn't be wondering about what to do with all the items we purchased for her, including cloth diapers, dresser, and on and on. People wouldn't be avoiding me and avoiding talking about Meredith. So much unraveling because they didn't do their jobs.

March 26 at 1:00pm we meet with the head of patient safety, the head of the children's hospital and the head of the NICU. I have also asked that the head of nursing for the NICU be present. I can't even imagine how this meeting will go.

Isn't she lovely!

There are so many Meredith moments I want to remember that I decided to write them down here. Today, I am remembering the day Meredith was born.

I finished my last day of work on Tuesday September 15th. I had plans with all my clients- homework assignments to do in my absence and reiterations to call/email if needed while I was on leave. I expected to go have Meredith on Friday thinking she would be born 2 days early (due date September 20th), just like Joel. Well, my pregnancy brain forgot that I actually went into labor with Joel 4 days early...but that's another story.

3:00am, Wednesday September 16th, I awoke with pains. I didn't even consider they were labor pains because I was planning to go into labor on Friday. I thought it was heartburn. I got up and went on the computer. When the pains continued, I considered it a possibility it was labor, and began cleaning because Merwyn's parents would be staying with Joel while I gave birth. I took a few Tums, and when nothing got better, I decided it must be labor. That may sound ignorant, but with both Joel and Meredith my contractions never followed a predictable or consistent pattern, even when we were headed to the hospital.

I had a regularly scheduled OB appt at 9:30am, so Merwyn and I headed off. Lisa confirmed that I was dilated to about a 3, and she hesitantly said that she thought it probably would be quicker this time. You'd understand if you knew Joel's birth story! We went home and Merwyn called his parents who live about 50 minutes away. We decided to wait until they arrived since they didn't have a key and they don't have experience with using a keypad to open a garage door.

We got to the hospital around 11:10-11:15am. Merwyn dropped me off while he parked the car. Seemed to take him forever to come back- probably 10 minutes. We went upstairs and were ushered into triage after a short wait. Throughout the morning, the pains were intense. It was never like this when I was in labor with Joel. Probably why he took so long to be born. The nurse in triage checked me and said I was at a 5. She asked if I wanted an epideral and, despite my desire to go natural, I said yes right away! Two minutes later, Meredith was coming!

The nurse began to rush around, other people came in, lots of energy! A woman came in...I call her the cheerleader. "Hi, my name is Shelly! What's your name?" Seriously?! Turns out, she is an OB and the 2 mom's she was working with weren't progressing. She saw all the action in the hallway and came rushing it. Good thing too. The doc on call was on another floor and didn't make it to triage until Meredith was already born. I call him the chatter. From the time I arrived in triage to the time Meredith was born they told me was 10 minutes. Yup. Lisa was right- this one was quicker! Lisa did finally arrive...right after they wheeled Meredith out.

Meredith had blue hands and feet when she was born. I didn't even see her before they wheeled her to the NICU. They assured me she was good though. It was about 3 hours later that I was able to see her. We walked into the NICU, were directed to her bed, and I looked upon a very familiar face...it was Joel's baby face. I expected her to look completely different because of her Down syndrome. Merwyn wasn't so sure, so I asked him to bring Joel's baby book to the hospital. He had to agree then. Then I asked the NICU nurse, Marie, what was going on and what they were doing for Meredith. It was time for Meredith's mommy to start taking care of her!

marathon

One year ago today, I was at my office, like I am right now. My body was acting weird- to be honest, I had to pee... A LOT, and I couldn't figure out why. I stopped drinking water half way through the day to end the craziness but it didn't end. I began to wonder if I was pregnant but very cautiously because of so much disappointment.

The next day, Tuesday, I bought a test. I was waiting until closer to the time that Merwyn would be home to take it. That day, for the first time ever, Joel said he wished he had a sister. Never said anything remotely close to wanting a sibling before. Of course, I took the test and it was positive. Merwyn and I were surprised and cautiously hopeful. And, Joel continued to ask for a sister through the next 3 months while we were ready to tell him.

The exteme need to use the bathroom ended on that Monday. I decided it was God getting my attention- he wanted me to know. There are a few times in my life when I am certain that God has spoken directly to me. One of those times came on 9/8/08 during my prayer time. I wrote it in my journal, which I keep sporadically. We had finished a few weeks before our last IUI treatment to try and get pregnant. During my prayer time, lamenting the failure to get pregnant, I heard God say to me, "I want to do it myself". On this same day, one year earlier, I was excited to know that it came true- no medical intervention to this 40+ woman, it was undeniably God alone.

This remembering "this time last year" came after remembering "this time 3 months ago". I wonder when the 10th of any month will stop reminding me. 3 months ago yesterday, Meredith died. I am still in disbelief. Disbelief that she died, disbelief over the reason she died, disbelief that last year actually happened. The dream like experience continues, for I don't have the fruit of those months with me.

This is where the marathon of grieving begins, I suppose. The energy and excitement of those first days are over. Peoples lives have gone on, as expected. My world moves slowly. This is the picture in my head...3 escalators side by side. The 2 on the ends move quickly, many people on them. The center one is where I am...it moves much more slowly.

The marathon. 2 thought threads. One thread...last year at this time, hearing her heartbeat, telling our families, ultrasound/diagnosis, etc. Second thread...firsts without her. My first birthday, first mother's day, father's day, camping, etc.

Tomorrow I will be remembering my tempered excitement over a positive pregnancy test. And there will be more remembering and wishing. It's a marathon.

New Years...

I am having a hard day today, for a few reasons, one of which is my reaction to New Years. I didn't realize until a friend shared how the new year affected her after her brother died. I, too, am having difficulty but for different reasons. January 1 is typically seen as a "new slate", "opportunity to start fresh", "new beginnings"- you get it. I don't want new...I want what I had. I want my sweet little girl. I know she is having a great time in heaven with Jesus. But I can't help myself. I want Meredith here. Now. To move into the new year with me.

Merwyn gave me the gift of time today. He and Joel went to a gathering without me. He agreed readily today knowing (because I had asked for it on another day) that I wanted some time alone. Time to mourn Meredith. Time without interruption and without concern for how my mourning might impact someone else. I went into Meredith's room and I picked up the pink teddy bear given to her after she zoomed out of my womb on 9/16. I opened her closet door and just cried. I could only look for a short moment. The clothes. The little girl clothes are the most difficult for me to see. Clothes she will never wear, or never wear again. In my minds eye, I can still see what I call the clown outfit hanging. Joel picked that one out at the store and Meredith wore it frequently because it kept her warm in the NICU without too many blankets (because she insisted on sleeping with her arms up by her head!).

I asked God why. Why even give to me this little girl if you were going to take her away. Meredith's entrance into our family completed our family- what I had stopped hoping for last year at this time. Hope fulfilled when we had all but stopped hoping. I don't have the answer to this question, but I do know that God is not upset that I ask it.

Last Sunday's sermon was about darkness...darkness of evil and ignorance, but also the darkness in one's heart when life just hurts. He said, "When you don't know what the 'next thing' to do is, while you wait, do the 'right thing.'" I remember the night Meredith died. We were sitting in her room with friends and family. I was holding Meredith and I was shocked and bewildered that she had died. I kept saying over and over, "I don't know what to do". I looked around at all the faces looking for an idea. Everyone just looked back at me. I still don't know. Except to do the right thing...
Believe God.
Believe that God is good.
Believe that God is good, even without my Meredith or my answers.
Love God above all else.
Love my neighbor
Let my light shine.

None of that is possible without you, Lord. Enable me, equip me, comfort me, change me. Impress on me your peace. Peace that transends all understanding.

May God bless your new year.