Sunday, April 25, 2010

Raspberry bushes

Thursday I was in the ophthalmologist's waiting room with Joel. He was playing with his Lego's. I was...I don't know where. Out of my reverie I hear Joel's voice say, "Why do you have that sad look on your face?" I was surprised...I didn't realize. I don't even remember what in particular I was thinking about actually, or why my face looked sad. I told him, "I guess I'm thinking some sad thoughts, Joel". That satisfied him, amazingly.

In no way do I expect this grief process to end quickly, certainly not anytime soon. A benefit of my work is that I know it can, and likely will be, a long process that will permeate every aspect of my life for quite a while. Living it though, is a different experience.

Yesterday, we began to take our raspberry bushes out. We're having work done on our family room and "demo" begins tomorrow. I bought two ceramic pots to put some bushes in. Two neighbors took a few. We'd only removed about half and were leaving the rest to be destroyed.

Last night, this morning, throughout today, I kept thinking about those remaining bushes. Perfectly good bushes. It just seemed wrong.

We had a particularly long day at church today, but afterwards, I told Merwyn that I couldn't just let those bushes die. We went out, found another pot and dug out some more. I made a phone call and had someone else coming over to get some to take home.

They're just bushes, aren't they?

This is living with grief. With loss. Not wanting anything ELSE to die unnecessarily. I kept telling myself they were just bushes. More would grow. I couldn't convince myself not to do something about it though. Not after losing her.

It surprises me how very much Meredith is on my mind. Remembering time with her. Remembering our hopes and dreams for her. Processing and questioning our loss of her. There are lots of questions. All with no answers. My thoughts take me to warm places and cold/hard places. Places that show the cracks in my faith. Places where my vulnerabilities are apparent.

Cracks and vulnerabilities. Processing grief, or trauma or anything really that causes pain, strips away facades or masks that we take on as we go through life. Ways of making life work. That perhaps really don't.

There is someone out there though who takes advantage of these times. Someone who prowls around, looking for someone to devour. He enjoys vulnerabilities.

Someone who is the father of liars. He takes our hurts and questions, our doubts and capitalizes on them. He is a tempter who leads our minds to the places of his dark world.

We should all expect him. We shouldn't tolerate him though. I will not tolerate him.

This Thursday, I begin "healing prayer" with someone seasoned in doing this battle. I begin with one simple statement, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24b).

On the other side is freedom. Perhaps redemption. Meredith can't come back. I will see her again. In the meantime I remain here on earth. I'd go to her now. Joel keeps me wanting to be here. Losing mommy is tough on a kiddo.

This is what I know: "You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one that is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." (1John 4:4) and "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).

This is not my battle. It is the Lord's. He never leaves me. Even when it feels like he has. Feeling is not reality. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." (2 Chronicles 20:17).

Truth is, I am not afraid.

And, I'd appreciate your prayers.

Wendy

3 comments:

  1. The Lord will, indeed, fight for you. You have my prayers, Wendy, that His presence and His fighting for you will be evident at times you need it most!

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  2. I pray for you every morning. I think saving the raspberry bushes was a good idea. I'm trying to think of Merwyn's response.

    God is with you walking with you, not letting the river run over you or the challenges defeat you.

    Call if you ever need to chat about Meredith or just want to talk about anything else.

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